s everyone
Many many good thoughts TheSeaCat and everyone


---------
Today's been a good day.. sunshine and rainbows
self care included cleaning up my place and tidying it up.
I get so wrapped up with work that my personal surroundings get... let's say, "messy". This time not as bad as other times.

living alone helps this out so much, for me... but I can be messy too or just not tidy. I forgot sometimes this was one reason why I was like- I need to live alone, to see how messy I get ((like I need to sort out what's my **** to deal with, and suggested he do the same)).

I chilled out too after cleaning up, spent about the whole day in pjs ((or well my type of pjs )). Chilled out then showered... got dressed some whar pretty nice. ((Though those bumps now look like boils, one on my cheek )).

I wanted to go out ((Like the capital out ~50miles)), and then my ex texted me before I left the apt.
I always ask and know the answer is no, if he wanted to go for a journey down town.
I decided that it was probably best not to, but
He was gracious enough to go to the store with me. I just wanted to go at least some where.
He got his baby niece some really cute clothes ((i must had been a good mood- I was the one that picked them up and talking them up of how cute they were and his baby niece would love it ))).

On our way back, for some reason I started to talk about past years, when I've been really down and out- I remember, at some point he would suggest or I would ask if he would mind driving me to see some houses lit up.. and he would and it was always- just something that got me more into them whole- holidays are here, look at the pretty lights .., just much thanks that he did..and its a good memory and feeling with another person.
when coming back from the store he said "lets go on a journey " and we went around some neighborhoods locally.

We saw some really creativity set ups just drivin around aimlessly.. as usual, I got absorbed in that-- time and place doesn't matter.

Just really nice, for me a part of me is like-- I just needed some time to "be" in that way.

I feel like I lose this some times... or am unable to, of that makes any sense.

I still want to go to the downtown and eat pizza and see lights, and I remember sometimes-- that v word,,, vacation ..
I hope I don't bounce around too much on my days off, though I know- been told- talked about it and etc.. Work is a trigger due to the stress ...
I probably should take a day to look around, as I've said I would --- just take vacation and look for another job (hahaha)...

--------
Just realizing too
I wrote today didn't I? I am sorry, I did a flip around .. my car is fine,

I ran over something the other night while being irresponsible-- this thing--seriously looked like huge antlers to me, but idk my friend said it looked like a cattle thing?? (( cows were stolen in cow town soo idk?? Idk even know what cattle thing she was talking about because I am a "city" girl more than a "farm" girl)).

One negative thing was that I did get extremely startled by my ex standing in front of my door as I opened it, it was just "perfect timing " but my brain had issues with it... for me it's like a blow, a shock, a hit , a jolt to my Brianand body.. there's more to this, could go into my kid anxiety.. but I wrote a lot of positive
__
I also did a cool craft, had a wooden peace sign for ever, I made it festive -- arts and crafts , a go to .