FWIW, I'm one of those people and I haven't interpreted your searching as anything you need to apologize for. I don't take what you are experiencing as a *desire* to have been abused nor a lack of concern for other people. But as you continue to post, it seems you do remember some abuse from your childhood and current inappropriate behavior from your father. Whether you ultimately come to see this as abuse and as potentially having an impact on your current struggles, that part of the story hasn't yet revealed itself.

I think self blame is a very complex animal and many people, abused or not, feel guilty and ashamed of who they are and what they've done. Sometimes shedding the blame and shame has nothing to do with the past and everything to do with the now and the future. Sometimes it is just that we no longer need to carry it anymore. I have a hard time constructing a reality where blame and shame are good for people, so I think it's worth working on no matter what you believe your past to be.