Hello. I am just desperate for some kind of interaction. I regularly go through bouts of severe depression but this one has completely wrecked me. I can barely function. I am just so sad and it physically hurts and all I can do is just lay on the bed and try to sleep. I feel like I can barely breathe and like my heart is just going to slow until it stops. I get up to take care of my son but beyond that I just have no will to continue. I just want to lay here and die.

I am married and my relationship is fine. I try not to talk to him about how I feel because it's annoying and a person can only take so much. I have no friends at all. Acquaintances, sure, but I rarely even see or talk to anyone because I am always at home. I am a very pleasant person who gets along with others and makes them laugh, but I have no close relationships at all. I want them, I'm just too old I think to develop new friendships. Everyone already has close friends and there is no room for me. I have a son who is 5, who has sensory processing issues. I have had depression and anxiety all my life, and I was diagnosed a few years ago with Aspergers. This explains the emptiness I feel when it comes to friendship. I want so badly to have a friendship like others do, someone I can call and talk to about how I feel or how they feel. I don't even have any friends who even know how distressed I am, or even that I have ASD.

What do I want from this forum? I don't know. To feel like I exist. To feel like if my heart were to just stop beating that somebody would actually notice or care. I want to matter and to be alive. I want to be a good mother. I don't want to be invisible anymore. My heart just hurts so much. I have no logical reason to be sad but all I feel is emptiness and grief. I am a shell of a person.