thankyou twomanycats for expressing so thoughtfully-you have spoken for me as well

im writing a little about my own situation not to derail the OP thread but in support of their feelings- not the pursuit of a post therapy relationship or the idea that OP's situation is so different from many others on this forum

the only thing keeping me away from my ex psychotherapist is something i saw/felt in him when i agreed to a meeting in august 3 months after i had finally ended contact (id been trying unsuccessfully for 9 months)

he was overtly happy to see me-we chatted and laughed like old freinds had coffee and oatcakes he told me plenty personal stuff as usual and then he became cold and distant and silent -first experience but undeniably "blank slate"i and i knew if i took what was on offer i was going under the bus if not that day/month/year .... the man was in tears

This is ongoing-

my soul is broken
i dont blame him for his emotions- hes a flawed human being as are we all
what i do blame him for (and this is maybe keeping me "safe")is hiding behind his training when the going got tough -maybe he can work through this in his own therapy i obviously have no idea