For context:

I'm in pyschodynamic psychoanalysis therapy 2/3x a week for a year now, CPTSD has never been openly acknowledged, (she doesn't do diagnoses, she treats what she sees, and I'm in the UK where one waits for a year to see a psychiatrist and there is little to no treatment available on the NHS anyway so I've forgone seeking a diagnosis), and we are kinda doing parts work some of the time.

My t is away for 3 weeks so almost 4 weeks between sessions over Christmas and New Year.

My young parts are kicking up a stink - major major fear of abandonment.

My t has been flexible re boundaries - essentially I can email in extremis with a flexible interpretation of what is in extremis. But if she thinks I'm taking the piss she'll read but not respond. Her responses are always short with a reminder that we'll discuss next session. And she responds v quickly. So all good and was catering to need for major reassurance and thus no abandonment. This has been going on for about months. (Before that I didn't trust her so no real issue!)

A couple of weeks ago I went through a very very bad patch and thought of calling her. I didn't because I've never ever called her (first), and it was the middle of the night- she's off and needs to sleep I know rationally.

Unfortunately, a part decided that it wanted to be able to call her when in extremis like that and asked in session. She said no.

Reasons were she'd already shown a lot of flexibility and what I wanted was unconditional love when even babies need to developmentally grow and get used to not having needs meet immediately. Distress tolerance is something I need to learn. And she's on holiday.

My reaction to this is that I am well pissed off at her, am like why now, am like, I don't need to practice this now when she is gone for 4 weeks. My young parts hate her, refused to interact in session today (mature I know), don't believe she will come back, and are scared if it happens again what to do. She says go to hospital. Am like I hate hospitals.

Rationally as I say I see the unreasonableness but if I were governed by rational thoughts I wouldn't be in therapy.

So my query is how do I fix the fear of abandonment when she won't cater to the need for unconditional love?

I ask because grown up me is not (or at least not yet -
don't catastophise!) capable- I've tried the talking to small selves, trying to soothe them, and they are like you can't even take care of yourself, so how you going to keep us safe???? And are not having it. And they have a point.

So what do I do? As I say I acted like a bratty truculent child in sesh today which was a waste of time (didn't plan to; just happened) so, because I know she's not backing down I need to do something, and we've only got 1 sesh left before the break. Helpppp!