Thank you very much for this thoughtful reply Open Eyes. You got right to the core of how I've been feeling in recent years. Imo, my parents had no business having children because they have/had zero emotional intelligence or unconditional love to offer and my siblings and I have all suffered as a result.

I am still carrying some significant resentment about my parents' behaviors but I know I need to find a way to let go of that for my own peace and well-being. I am working very hard on it.

These thoughts and memories consume me at times. You know what is really tragic? Because myself and my siblings grew up in such a dysfunctional and rage-fuelled environment, our own relationships with each other have been fractured, lacking trust, and simply disintegrated over time. That to me is the saddest part of all.

My youngest sister was always very close with me when we were growing up. We were close in age and looked out for each other...tried to protect each other from all the mayhem around us. People used to describe us as "two peas in a pod" or "like twins." Well, as soon as I could I moved far away from my family. I was honestly desperate to escape. If I could have brought my little sister with me, I would have. But for reasons too long and complex to explain here, she could not come with me. And when I left, I was still very young myself. So she was the last child in the house with those two awful excuses for parents. And I know how miserable that must have been for her.

I know she began to feel stirrings of resentment toward me after I left and may have even felt abandoned by me though she never told me so. But for a while, I could tell that she still loved me and wanted to be friends even across the distance. So that is what we were trying to do. But my parents hated me for leaving and manipulated my little sister every chance they got. Over time, she grew bitter and started to treat me the way they did...with contempt. A therapist told me that my little sister probably internalized my father's aggression and bullying behaviors. Now an adult, she loathes me. She even tried to bully my other siblings into ending contact with me. So she and I are estranged even though I never ever wanted that. She refuses to communicate with me at all.

I think psychologically, or even intellectually, I know why we ended up here...given our horrible childhood. But my poor spirit cannot fathom it or reconcile it in my mind. I miss her deeply. I never ever wanted to leave her...I just had to get away from that home and my parents with their anger and shaming and fear. I had a chance to run and I took it.

Isn't it tragic that my parents' actions rippled down to the sibling connections? We did not grow up in peace and trust so I suppose it makes sense that we don't have any peace between us now as adults. Though I have tried to reach out and send love to each of them.

Hope you folks won't judge me. I really was desperately unhappy back then. Growing up in that home was a living hell. If I could even find peace with my younger sister again...even if we couldn't be friends but peaceful and wish each other well...that would mean so much to me. And I do find it unfair that she blames me for everything...she will not allow anyone to say anything negative about our parents...somehow in her mind they are blameless which is so far from reality I can't even convey it. Instead she directs her anger at me and one other sibling.

I was the only one in the family who moved far away so I became the villain and the scapegoat...attitudes driven by my parents. I have read psych articles explaining how this happens in abusive families and the effects on sibling relationships. It is so true and also heartbreaking

If anyone understands, please share your thoughts. If I explained to you the circumstances under which I moved away I know you would understand. it's just too much to include here.

Thank you for reading.