Sorry this is long. Thank you to anyone who reads through.

I’m 25 years old and have never had sex. I am in my first relationship; we “dated” online for 2-3 years, until we met each other and ultimately my partner ended up moving to my country. We have now been in a physical relationship for almost a year. He lives with me, but we have not had sex.

I have never felt any sexual urge towards anything or anyone, whether it’s in attraction to a person, reading about sex, or seeing sex on TV — essentially, I have never been turned on. Most times than not, I view sex in disgust, and if anything I am reading or watching involves it, I find myself either tuning out or simply turning the TV off or skipping the page.

Before my partner came along, I just saw this “quirk” as something that obviously wasn’t very normal to society, but it was normal to me and I had no reason to try to figure out why I felt this way. Now that I am in a relationship, I have more than just myself to think about. Not only does my partner want sex for satisfaction, but he does want kids in the future and he wants them with me. I’ve never wanted kids in the past, but again that thought has slightly changed now that I am in a relationship; it’s not just my future that I have to consider anymore, it’s his as well. In the very least, I feel I have to figure out what’s behind my disgust in sex and lack of libido and general interest so that I can one day have kids if that’s where my life takes me.

For as long as I can remember, I have always had this slightly skewed and negative mindset towards sex. I used to try to tell my parents that they weren’t allowed to have sex. Of course they didn’t listen and as an adult now I didn’t expect they would. I ended up leaving school right before my sexual education began, and at the time I was glad, but as I have matured I’ve realised that I’ve missed out on a somewhat integral part of growing into a teenager and then adult.

This year, after discussing my sexual “issues” with my partner and my Doctor, I was recommended to a counsellor who specialised in sex and relationships. I saw them roughly 3 times on my own and 2 times with my partner. They recommended I learn about my own body, sexually, because it is not something I have ever done before. I refused and never bothered to do it, as I find the act repulsive. They suggested to me that I view the act from a scientific standpoint and consider that if I were to have kids someday, I need to know what’s going on down below and I need to be able to teach my daughter if I were to have one. Although I did try to see it this way, it didn’t work and ultimately I didn’t end up following through.

Another exercise was to try to be more affectionate towards my partner, as it is meant to create endorphins. I did manage to do this, but it never made me feel sexually aroused or even remotely like I wanted to try to jump my partners bones. I went on holiday not long after this exercise, and when I came back I decided that counselling wasn’t offering me much of anything and I was still as confused about sex and my sexuality as I was when I first went, so I stopped going.

I will mention that my partner and I have done some "foreplay", but I am always obviously very disgusted by it and my partner has mentioned that I act as if it is more of a chore to placate him and that I clearly don't enjoy it. I refuse to do most things, and with the few things I do I do them with a complete lack of interest and effort.

I know that I am attracted to men; I can feel attracted to them, find them handsome, cute, etc. I’ve never felt any kind of attraction towards women; I only look at women in envy most of the time. So, I know I am heterosexual. I don’t think I can be asexual and heterosexual at the same time, but what else can I be? Demi-sexual? Grey-asexual? I’ve done a lot of research and feel that the latter two could be a possibility, but I just don’t know for sure.

I could just simply not have much of a libido and may never do. I might simply be so petrified of sex that my brain has shut off any sort of sexual arousal that tries to come to the surface. I have been a sufferer of anxiety and depression since I was 15, and I sometimes wonder if this has played a part in how I feel about sex.

Basically, I suppose I’m just confused and don’t understand this part of myself.

My partner has been understanding to a point, but I can feel his frustration. He wants me to at least try things, he wants to see progress, but I suppose I’ve been quite stubborn and fearful at the same time, and I’m at a point where I either figure out what is happening to me and how I can fix it or lose someone I love because I cannot provide him with sexual satisfaction or the hope of children.

Please, if anyone has any advice I’d be really appreciative.