I saw my borough health provider's psychiatrist yesterday. She said she was glad I'd been seeing a DID specialist for 2 years, but I needed to focus on the other mental health issues I have: CPTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Depression. She also said I couldn't see both my DID therapist and the new psychotherapist at the same time as well.

I have barely stopped crying since she said that. My alters were all in a state of panic, but I've not wanted to communicate with them (or anyone else) as it feels physically painful. We are all scared we'll lose someone who really understands us, and be left with a therapist on the NHS who is free (good), but who will probably know very little about DID (bad). I'm not expecting an expert, but DID is pretty rare in the United Kingdom, and when I searched three years ago for a DID specialist, there was only 2 people in London who did it. Also, 10 months ago, I had a mental health crisis, and the borough's home treatment team treated me like absolute crap. I got racism, biphobia and a hell of a lot of lies from them.

I've told myself I won't make any decisions until I speak to the new psychologist, and ask him about his knowledge of DID - if he's gonna help me with all my mental health issues, then it should be all of them. I know my other issues need addressing, and that thoughts of self-harm and suicide increase A LOT during the winter months. But I am scared. And truthfully, I am ashamed that I have so many issues going on inside me. If it were anyone else, I'd tell them as a survivor of 20 years of sexual abuse, it would be a miracle to not have issues, but I can't say that to myself and believe it.