Think the title sums it up really… In august my family and I lost my Uncle very suddenly. With everything that’s happened over the past few months, witnessing my Nana collapsing with grief over her lost son and making herself ill to my Auntie having to vent out her grief over facebook. Everything seems to of happened so fast with little chance to properly process it.

I thought I had grieved for him, thought I could face Christmas with a brave face for my family, however tonight it’s really hit me. He’s not going to be their.. my Uncle who loved Christmas, who would update us on his latest lego edition, who would wolf down the Christmas meal without chocking, who would eagerly help my sibling and I get into our presents and help us put them together… He’s gone and I don’t know how to face Christmas knowing that. Realising that a big chunk of what made Christmas is gone.

How am I meant to help my Nana, Auntie and Mum get through this time? How are we meant to enjoy it? What’s my young niece gong to be like once she realises he’s not there?

Everything just seems so muddled in my head. People keep asking me whether I am looking forward to Christmas and I tell them I am, however I am so apprehensive over it. I’m scared of facing it… I just don’t want to make others feel bad when they ask me that question, so I never say the truth…

Sorry it’s just really hit me tonight, and needed a place to go to release some of these emotions.