Thank you both. This is such a difficult topic to discuss. I don't even know where to begin. I just feel darkness and confusion in me relating the existential crisis and I feel only spirituality can fix this. Yet I can't relate to any practice I've heard of. Things either don't make rational sense or I don't feel connection to them. At the same time atheism is the most depressing thing ever and I have no interest in being an atheist.
I'm sorry everyone I'm not even able to describe the problem. It's beyond words.
Unfortunetely we're not even allowed to have any kind of serious discussion here. I'll have a look at the forum FindSolidHope sent me the link to.