First, I asked T when he'd be back after Christmas. Then I said I had two different topics to discuss.

I wanted to talk about my mom. She made some mean comments about therapists last Christmas and I was worried it'd happen again. T asked how long I'd be there, whether my partner would join us. He said that if feelings come up based on what my mom says, to just accept and feel them. They'd be over in a few minutes and it wouldn't matter how often she'd say something, they'd just come and go. He also said I can of course tell her I have a different opinion. But to not fight and tell her she's wrong, she can have her own opinion as well and that's okay.

Then I said I'd been thinking some more about the way I sometimes behave in therapy. First I thought about one of my friends with whom I had acted quite similarly. After that I thought about one of my teachers. i talked with him a lot during high school, which my T knows. With that teacher I never really acted out, I cried sometimes but not in a way where I couldn't calm down anymore. I had some flashbacks when I thought about that, and I'd like to talk about one part, even though I'm not sure how connected it is to the actual thing I was thinking about.
T said that was okay.

I then told him a lot about the conversations I used to have with that teacher as well as the general situation around that time. T asked a bit about the teacher as well as whether I had issues with people in school. We talked about that for a while, we also talked about a girl I had a crush on in high school which didn't go over to well. We used to hold hands before I told her about my feelings, and T asked whether that's not a normal thing to do for 13 year olds. I told him that I didn't know, but it wasn't normal for me. T said he wasn't sure whether it's normal either, he couldn't tell. Then we also discussed the reaction of adults involved. He asked me what should have happened such that I would have felt better about everything. I answered that all I ever wanted to have an open discussion with that girl, to just tell her what's okay for me and what isn't. But instead I just got told what to not do and didn't have any way to answer, nobody listened to me. T mentioned how all the adults there seemed to not have understood what was important. That they either overreacted or under-reacted, but nobody would just let us talk to each other.

After that, he asked what the stuff we had talked about meant to me, what effect it had on me. I said I'm now scared to talk to women. I'm scared to share feelings with people and of people in general. He agreed with all of those points and asked whether I could also feel that or whether that's just my rational side. I said I can feel about 80% of it. He then went on for a while about how this is just a memory, a story. That it's not now and that's important to remember. That it's part of me and that it's okay.
He also said how some of the things that happened would probably not be allowed anymore today, like talking to a teacher off campus once a week. And he mentioned that we couldn't know what all the other people in this memory thought and felt at the time, but that it doesn't really matter either.

I said that I'd like to look at him. He replied that I could if I wanted to and I did. At first he just looked back, but then I smiled at him and he started to almost laugh. He seemed to really enjoy it. He said I seem to have more courage than a few weeks ago.

Then he mentioned we'd have to stop soon. He got a card saying when my next appointment would be. I was incredibly happy about it, even though it's just a generic thing. Then he wished me a good time and "good games" (referencing the fact that my main hobby is gaming). I laughed about that which made him laugh. He then again said that for how long he'd be out, I told him that he's already telling me this for the third time now. He said "Yes, I think I've already said everything...". Then he got up and we shook hands, he said "until next year" and I left.