I've crashed to the pit of despair or the black hole as I sometimes call it. I feel hopeless and worthless. Everything in my life, I inevitably destroy, no matter how much I love it. I inadvertantly hurt people wherever I go. I don't see my life getting any better. I always end up here. It seems to be my home so much. I don't even think I want help anymore. What's the point, I'll only hurt everyone I come in contact with again. I don't do it intentionally but it happens just the same. Hurting people is a major issue for me. I can't bear it when I've done that but to the other person it seems deliberate. Nothing is ever going to change. I have to wonder why God saved me from myself before. What was the purpose? To cause more pain to those who are unfortunate to fall into my path? I'm tired of hurting that people that I love, I'm tired of the pain and the hurt I feel, although I'm sure I deserve it but as much as I despire hurting others, it happens anyways, even with my best intentions. It is not right that I should be allowed to be around other people but then I feel so alone and I can't stand that either. How many times must I go through this same old thing. It hardly seems worth it to me. I've just hurt a friend very badly, I mean, REALLY hurt but none of it was intentional but it happened anyway. So now he is probably wondering what kind of person am I afterall? The true me has all but vanished and the sick me has taken control. I can't win against the sick me and I'm so tired of trying. I inevitably lose, every time.

All I've ever wanted in life is to feel that I'm loved but I guess I don't feel that I'm worthy of it or deserve it because I have a very hard time of feeling it even when it is been shown to me. I HATE myself, so therefore, why would anybody else bother to like me. What is there to like? I can't find anything but pain and hurt. My meds are not working for me and haven't in a long time. We're running out of different mood-stabilizers to try. A lot of the time, I just want to take the whole entire bunch and chuck them in the garbage but I don't because I wonder if I would be worse without them? Is that even possible. I feel like nothing more than a huge burden and inconvenience on my family. I've been on disability from work since the autumn of 2001. I've tried going back to work several times but it never worked out. I'm nowhere near ready to return to worlk. Just what is the point to any of this? I feel like giving up. It's the only way I know to stop all this pain, my pain and th pain I inflect on everyone around me. I just don't have enough energy anymore. I'm tired, I'm really depressed and I just want all this pain to stop, my pain and the pain I inflict on all those in myu . I don't see a way out of all this pain. I don't even know if any of this makes any sense or if it's just ramblings. My meds have kicked in and I can bearly even read what I've written so who knows if any of this has made sense or if it is just my normal ramblings when I've hit rock bottom. I do know that I've hurt a friend very deeply and I can't undo what I'm done. I'm not sure if I still have this preson as a friend but I sure hope so. It would kill me otherwise.I'm just so tired of everything. Please excus my typos if any. I've had to fix so many but I may have missed some. My meds have kicked in and I can berly keep my eyes open more than a slit. I just want all the pain to stop, mine and those who are min my life that I upset. I gotta go. For those of you who made it this farf, please forgive my rantings and ramblings. I don't even know what I'm typing anymore. I feel like a major inconvenience and burden into everyone in my life.

If you made it this fr, thnk I hope I've made sense.

An Angerl Girl who's wings have been clipped and halo astrew. Anyway, I hope you can make at lest some sense out of my post. Thnks for listening.
Angel Girl