So I was invited to play some instrumentals on my guitar, tonight, as part of our Christmas Eve service at my church. But due to ongoing depression, I hadn't taken my guitar out for months. Still, I assumed that I could just pick up where I left off, so last night I took it out and could barely play anything. I'll get to the church early, so we can decide where, logistically, I should be, i.e., down with the choir or up in the balcony.

You may be wondering why I'm writing this in this forum. I once had an interest in attending my T's church. She and I have mutual friends who also attend that church. I asked my T if it would bother her if I was there, and she said it was fine, as long as I wasn't expecting "more" from her during the service or afterward, at coffee. She said if I wanted to attend the church for spiritual reasons, that was fine. But she wouldn't interact with me there.

It's been a week since she took texting away, and I really needed to talk to her about some stuff. It's been over a month from the time of her surgery, and I've made it through, with a few stretches of very bad depression, which might actually turn out to be Bipolar II.

Although my Pdoc and my wife want me to start not being so dependent/attached to my T, I don't want to, at this time. But it feels almost like a rupture, and I've never really had one with T. So, I am afraid.

I am also afraid that my music will suck at church, and I'll melt into a puddle of tears. My wife won't be with me tonight, as she is ill. After the service, I'll attend a small get-together with friends. I hope I can get through everything I need to get through, without having a panic attack, anxiety attack, a lot of crying, or all three.

If you celebrate, Merry Christmas. If not, enjoy a day off.
--Cool