wowzers... man, i can blow the socks off T when i am superfluff. wow. He was so surprised that i could see it all over his face. Haha

no, no hypomania... but it gets intense sometimes.. and is so different than my normal experience that i sometimes refer to that state as "she" like the third person. No, not actually another person, just SO different. Like a condensed version of everything positive.. but not to the point of hypomania... anyone who has ever been hypomanic may understand, it's about halfway up that hill.. food tastes better, colours are brighter, but it never tops off...

for me she eventually peters off in anxiety or sometimes anger... there is a load of energy in that state... it has to go someplace rght? i think about the fire-starter novel by King... you know how she had to divert the energy towards water to stop it? yeah.. like that.

i am concerned that T likes her better... or maybe he will think that she is the state i need to shoot for... or that maybe it means i am faking the rest... or maybe that it means i am all better and need to go away now. This was part of the spark that ignited the anxiety last night... it was bound to happen. i was at an artist's talk and i got pretty depressed-anxious because i felt so inadequate, then things got worse as i contemplated me vs her

i left T a message... becaus ei got so upset and confused and lonely... and honestly, i wanted to call H.. afterall, i leaned on him in the past for this. i told T that you know, i didn't stay married solely because i couldn't leave. i love(d) the guy.. he isn't 100% bad.. and he does have the ability to soothe me at times. i so badly wanted to talk to H.. but i called T instead. i think this was a better plan but i don't know... someday T will throw me out of the nest and then what?

remember that lotto ticket? well he said yesterday - through a grin the size of manhattan - that it was such irony because if he won he'd retire and travel!!! ACK!!! OMG... i almost throttled him! i said nooooooooooo... you can't! you wouldn't! would you?! you couldn't DO that.. to ME?! He laughed and said no, that would hardly seem fair. (i'm also thinking, um..hey buddy... you COULD like um, SHARE?)

despite having me be "her," it was nice to see him enjoying being with me... it seemed like he was really relaxed with me, it wasn't like real work i think. We did go through valuable stuff, it was a good session possibly, i don't even know.. weird. She has the ability to impress, that's for sure. i had him laughing and being really open with me. Lots of give and take.

yeah.. he definitely prefers her i think... what can i DO? i'm not fully her... it's a state that isn't possible to sustain i don't think... i think i'd end up burning out soooo fast.

i am not so super-sized today. i'm calmer... although yesterday he did say i was calmer than normal.. ha! i think he has a lot to learn about her yet.. him being a super fluff virgin and all

hmmm... trauma work in that state..oohh.. that would fix his wagon.. massive explosion of high velocity fluff.. oh so messy