I know this is ridiculous, but please humor me while I go through this phase. I momentarily have a desire to be the perfect client for my T. I realize that’s not the way it’s supposed to go, but I’d like to at least think it through and would like input from PC. I was expected to be “perfect” as a child and basically sort of was, and possibly still am in some ways. My father took his own life when I was a teenager and for a long time afterwards I wondered if I had been better or different or more perfect, if maybe he would have chosen to live. Obviously, now, as an adult, I understand that’s not the way it works, yet I find myself wanting to be more perfect for my T. This comes as we’ve begun talking about the possibility of me switching to a different T, so there are clear parallels with my father leaving, I guess. Yay, transference!

Anyway, I feel like I’m one of the most IMperfect clients that my T has. I’ve had negative transference with my T for a while and I want to turn that around. He says he rarely experiences negative transference with other clients because he is perceived as kind and easy to talk to. I don’t want to be the outlier. I’ve done harder things and I can definitely do this.

Here’s what I’ve go so far. Apparently I’m his only client who emails him, so I’m going to stop. Also, I’m definitely going to stop the angry, F *** You emails (they’re rare anyway) which technically shouldn’t be a problem since I won’t be emailing him. Today I cried in session which was new for me. I think he liked that and now I wish I could do it a little more easily. Also, I know I need to talk more which is super hard for me. Maybe if I journal more, then I’ll come up with more things to talk about. I want to look like I’m trying and part of me wants to keep him interested and entertained.

I know this post might come off as flippant because the mature, adult part of me is aware that this might not be the way therapy works, but the teenage version of me needs to figure this out, stat! I welcome your input. Are there ways to be a better client? A user’s manual would be nice, but apparently they don’t exist. Also curious if anyone else has gone through this phase?