It's interesting that you say the teenage version of you needs to figure this out because so many of your reactions recently (the ultimatum thread, the FU email, etc.) definitely sound like the behaviors of a teenager.

I don't remember if you and your therapist have explored that teenager within you or not, but perhaps that may be something that could use some more consideration right now.

I teach teenagers and have raised several myself, and if I had a teenager wanting to act out that way, generally what I recognize is that they often are acting in anger and don't necessarily know really what they are angry about but lash out at whomever happens to be in the line of fire. It sounds like your teenager has good reason to have been really angry in real time.

One boundary I always set with my students and my kids is they don't get to take their personal stuff out on me or other students. I say to them that I understand they seem to be having a bad time right now, but I ask that they not take it out on the rest of us. Usually, they appreciate just the fact that I realize and acknowledge they aren't meaning to be mean to me or others, and they at least slow down and find some control for that moment/period, etc. Almost without fail, when they come in the next day, they apologize and give some sort of explanation (which I don't require at all); they are just relieved they didn't get in trouble with me for their acting out previously and are appreciative. I simply reply, it's okay. I'm glad they seem to be feeling better today, and we move on.

In your case, you may need to be the adult to your teenager. That's hard to do, but I've been there myself. It can be done. Asking yourself to breathe, maybe journal or burn off some energy walking or something might be ways to give that teenager the time to think before she acts (a constant problem for many teenagers).

I know from experience if I engage with those kids in the midst of their acting out, it is like adding fuel to a fire and rather than calming down, they use the opportunity of engagement to pretty much lose it. Space and time often work much better in those situations. I'm wondering if your therapist restricted emails, etc. because he saw you using it impulsively and that was feeding your anger rather than getting you to slow yourself down and find ways to gain some control on your own. Also, using email to talk and then not talking in session might have been another problem that your T might be trying to work around.

Just throwing out some ideas. I could very well be completely off here.

I don't think there is a "perfect" client; I know you realize that too. Perhaps thinking about this instead as how can you make your sessions and communication with your therapist more effective.

I know you've been having a difficult time lately. I hope you can get past this particular barrier. I know you're frustrated.