Just noticed this bit. But you are an outlier, in the sense that you had a childhood experience statistically as an outlier, because you lost your father and because of the way you lost him. My son, who lost his dad to cancer when he was 12, has educated me (although my status as a young-ish widow is statistically small as well) about how "unusual" he feels and how difficult it is for him to feel that his peers understand him.

Kinda like stating the obvious, but it seems no surprise you're feeling like an angry teenager, given your life experience. I wonder if it makes sense to try to press on with this T because you may not get another chance to resolve whatever your T experience has tapped into about the loss of your father. I just have a small window into understanding how difficult that is, but I'd say pretty f*cking difficult even without the complication of how you lost him.