I just am done trying in therapy. Ever since I started 4 years ago, overall all I’ve done is gotten worse and become incredibly dependent on therapy. I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest by Ts suddenly leaving and my abandonment issues are way worse than what I went in with. All I’ve done is gotten skills and unearthed old traumas that I didn’t remember or that didn’t use to upset me. Current T is useless to me most of the time. Every once in awhile we will connect and it will feel good, but most of the time I leave every session or interaction feels like I didn’t get what I needed out of it, which upsets me more. Skills only work for so long, and I know that they’re not supposed to make me feel better, but then when does that part come??? When you never feel better, there’s just no point to them anymore. So that I can keep tolerating distress so that I can keep being miserable? So I’m done using skills. I’ll self-harm if I need to calm down. I don’t freaking care anymore. Nothing else is going to make me feel better. I’m done with trying to connect with this T. I’ve just gotta wait it out until I am at a place where I can find a T that’s a better fit for me.