Wow Nowinners I needed to see this today. We are alike and different. I have 3 kids: daughter 15, daughter 18 and son 22. Husband and I are best friends and very in love and have been married for 23 years. I am an alcoholic in recovery. I was very fortunate that the throws of my alcoholism lasted a year and not years of their lives but it was a very hard year for them. (i have 6 years now) regardless I was more or less functional enough to keep it together and be a secret drinker.

For all intents and purposes our kids have very supportive, "modern" "with it" liberal parents who adore them. Last February my daughter turned 18. Never had any major issues, but all the kids seemed to get the bad mental health genes from me. She seemed to think something magical would happen when she turned 18. She turned 18 on February 17 and left home on March 23. She took the car that we owned and luckily I knew which biatch friend she was crashing with. First we went to their apartment to tow the car away and out they walk, 4 girls living the dream. We tried to get her to talk to us but she put that wall up. My husband had to stick his body in the car door to keep her from driving away. So we took the car within 4 days. I went to the apartment a few days after that and begged the mother of this girl "please send her home" and this woman said she wouldnt allow someone to live on the streets. I told her she wasnt on the streets and she wouldnt-she has a home. God only knows what this woman was told. But This woman was out of her mind and she even acknowledged that her daughter was basically wild and could not be controlled. I told her that my Becca has always had issues that border on addiction she she said "Oh yes I know that". So...WTF then?
We shut her phone off a few days after that. I would get calls from school about her being absent. Straight A student shacking up with some girl who had serious mental health issues. Doing whatever they wanted with whoever they wanted. If I told you the ages of some of the guys you wouldnt believe it. Actually you would.
Her sister was devastated. I was plotting with the school to see if they could drug test her so I could have her held somewhere.

You know what's ironic? If she lived with me and was sick for a week and I had no DR note I would get a talking to. But she can take off when she is 18 and the police couldnt do a thing. Well I am rambling here. She was drinking and using various drugs and this mother knew it and allowed it. She quit her good job. She never got to wear her brand new prom dress. A giant ***** show is what it was. In May on Mother's day she showed up on her knees on the porch. As someone in the addiction community I know these sorts of relationships do not last and she was kicked out the girls fought over someone sleeping with someone's man.

She was homeless for a day or two. Finally came home and talked about how badly she hated herself and wanted to harm herself. I had my husband take her to the psyche er. I couldnt bear it. I told her if she was serious she had to tell them these things. I told her I loved her, I adored her and would give my life for her but I didnt know if I could take anymore pain. She was 18 now and we cant speak for her. I told my husband after she got taken in the back to say goodbye until they placed her in a good hospital.

She got placed and fought tooth and nail that she had any addiction issues, even during our family sessions. LOOONNG story so I apologize. Short version is she got most of her school work done, went to Florida for rehab, came back to NJ and stayed in the rehab sponsored housing. She moved into a sober home that we helped her get into and she finally has a job but can barely afford food. I personally think she needs to stop thinking about dating but she is 18 so that thought is not far from her mind.

Since she came back into our lives its like we have to learn who she is. Who was the Becca that we knew? Who is the one we know now? Can she be trusted? We let her have the car back because if she cant get to work, she cant pay her weekly rent and none of us think she has plans of living here and we do not want her too at this point. Like it or not she developed independence even if it was bad at the start. Answering to a sober house and passing drug tests is fine, telling mom what time she will be home is a whole different game.
if I could find the right words to describe the pain of brokenness and regret that I feel for her I would. That distinct pain of knowing you f**ked up and you have no one to blame but yourself which makes it sooo much worse. I just cant describe it properly. Thank god the school was on her team because she actually earned her diploma on 12/3 but she was pushing it. To say I was broken is an understatement, and to say that I know who she is now is a lie. I dont know. I know what I want to believe. I feel like the rest of us have ptsd because of the havoc and chaos. We started seeing a family counselor right after she left and now my youngest sees her exclusively.
I am so afraid to be relaxed. I am so afraid of failure. I blame myself. I do not think i would survive that kind of pain again (and stay sober too?).
I am so sorry to have hijacked your thread. It just came bursting out and turned rather cathartic. My long winded point is that I can identify with you and your son and I hope you can with me and my daughter.