Sorry for the long message… I’m new here so if my message is better in another forum, please let me know!



I’m in my late 30s, divorced, and have no children and started dating a single dad for the first time about six months ago. He’s very kind, mature, and a great communicator. He and his ex-wife are amicably divorced and worked hard at deconstructing their marriage in a way that hurt the children (5 year old daughter and 8 year old son) as little as possible. It’s both of our first times dating someone post-divorce. I was happy to learn from the beginning that he and his ex-wife were amicable and working towards a modern family approach to their relationship moving forward. He made it clear that he’s not looking for a stepmom since his ex-wife is very much in the picture but understands my desire to be a mentor on some level. As a woman who got divorced in her early 30s, I knew that trying to time finding a partner *and* having children might be tricky, so I became open to the idea of being involved with children even if they aren’t my own. I’ve met my boyfriend’s children several times and they like me (and my dog) a lot.

The struggle I’m having is that the more involved I get, the more I am trying to figure out how I fit into the equation. I’ve spent a significant amount of time with his family, including joining him, his ex-wife, and their children while they were on vacation together. His ex-wife and I get along well and the the kids have been told that I’m my boyfriend's “Valentine” so they understand who I am.

I have main two concerns about my relationship with him and with his children:

1. I’m not much of a drinker, but my boyfriend is. I’ve had concerns about how much he drinks, and even though I’ve never seen him drunk, he’s one of those people that can drink a lot and not have it affect his behavior or make him drunk. He claims to have “a strong liver” (is there really such a thing?!). I just worry about the long term health effects it might have on him. We’ve talked about it and he’s aware of my concern, but he also made it clear that he’s comfortable with his alcohol consumption. Do other people have experiences with dating someone who drinks considerably more than you do and how to tell if there’s really a problem? The people I’ve dated in the past were either non-drinkers (not that I sought them out) or drank the same as I do, so this is new for me. Have any of you found this is dealbreaker and you just weren't a good fit even if the person didn't have a serious problem?

2. I’ve also had concerns about how lenient he is with his kids and at times how they don’t seem to respect him. He allows his children to choose what they want to eat and when he has them they frequently go out to eat. Their diet is a lot of carbs, fats, and sugars. I know that’s typical of a lot of children, but his daughter is very overweight, probably considered obese, and I really worry about the effects this will have on her. After being with her on vacation, she seems obsessed with food and feels the need to have it whenever someone else is. My boyfriend’s son has ADHD, OCD and anxiety issues and I know their diet doesn’t help.



I wondered if it was just my boyfriend acting this way, but seeing he and his ex-wife co-parent made it clear that they both let the kids eat whatever they want. When they do make the effort to tell the kids they can’t eat anymore and attempt to take something away, the kids will grab it back or take more—something that would have infuriated my parents if I had done that when I was a kid. They also sneak food behind their backs and lie about what they have or haven't eaten. A typical day includes chicken tenders and fries, pizza, hot dogs as snacks, sugary bubble gum, sugary cereals and snacks—all things that are fine in moderation, but this is literally their diet. I don’t understand how my boyfriend and his ex-wife don’t seem to see how bad this is for their children, especially their daughter. My boyfriend has lost some weight over the years and makes an effect to exercise and eat healthily on his own, so this makes it even more confusing especially since he was called "fat" a lot as a kid by bullies.



I came from a VERY different family where my parents were hyper-focused on weight and dieting, but I never did because I saw this as an unhealthy extreme. I always had to eat a vegetable/salad with my meal—it was always a rule we followed and I didn’t question it. Is this no longer normal for children?



I know I’m not a parent, but I want to have some positive impact on these kids and healthy eating is very important to me and I know it can be fun. I’m very into farmers’ markets and farm-to-table cooking. I don’t want to be pushy and I know the end-goal isn’t for me to become a stepmom, but I’d like to be a mentor to these kids and see them be healthy and happy. I'm not someone who can watch from the sideline forever and not say anything, but I don’t know how to approach this with my boyfriend without potentially upsetting him, especially about his daughter. Do people have suggestions on how to talk about this with him or ways that I can help help the kids eat more healthily? 



Thanks for your help!