My T is not blank slate, but she is relatively hard to read. I think it is a combination of her personality, boundaries, and perhaps the type of therapy she practices (psychodynamic).

I've experienced negative transference towards her due to this, though only occasionally and not as an ongoing thing. The issue is that when I was abused as a child, the abusers often had a callous disregard for my feelings. When I cried during abuse, or as the result of abuse, there was often no reaction. One of my parents, who was one of the abusers, also suffers from mental illness and as a result, frequently failed to be emotionally responsive to me in general. This was pretty devastating as the parent was my primary caregiver.

I find myself in what feels like an impossible, no-win situation in therapy. I tell my T about my traumas, and she responds with appropriate commentary about how the experiences have shaped my life and where to go from here. However, her unemotional affect when delivering her lines sometimes feels very bad. It's like I'm reliving not only the traumas, but the non-reaction by abusers as well as caregivers to my pain. Intellectually, I know that the way I feel about her response is being heavily influenced by my abuse experiences. But I can't seem to prevent the feelings of worthlessness that get dragged up.

I don't really know how to deal with this. I like my T, and while there's a part of me that wishes she would be different about this, I also respect that she interacts with me as she is able and thinks is therapeutic. I can't imagine any of my T's clients being damaged due to thinking she cared deeply or in a special way for them, only for her to turn around and prove otherwise (that seems to happen a lot).

I won't ever discuss this with her. I feel very ashamed of my reaction to her demeanor. I'm not exactly sure what is causing such intense shame, but it's definitely very powerful. And the thought of discussing this with her makes me want to disappear. I have been in therapy for close to 14 years now. I have never brought up anything interpersonal with a T before, and I can't imagine starting now.

I don't really know what I'm looking for with this post. I guess I'm just wallowing in shame and hurt feelings over imaginary crap, and thought sharing might relieve some of my angst.