Thanks for your kind replies. It's a new day and I'm not feeling any better. It amazes me how low I can get, I just want to give up, I don't want to inflict myself on anymore people. I destroy everybody who trys to get to know me because what they get to know is the BP me and not the real me. I can handle, to some degree, my *normal* despression but I can't handle the abyss. I can only sleep because of the Xanax. I don't want to eat anymore. I'm so tired on the pain I inflict on myself and on others. I deserve it but none of them do and unfortunately I do it to the ones I love the most. I hate when I've done it and it's never intntional, God I'm making so many typos and I'm tired of fixing thm so I'm ging to leave them. I hope you'll still be able to make some sense out of this even with all my typos intact. I don't have the energy to go back and correct them. I'm contemplating mthods now. I don't like physical pain but in actuallity I dserve it all. Every bit of it for all th emotional pain that I inevitably cause so many others. I'm just so tired of all of this. I don't likeeee where I'm reside now, in the black hole, but he keeps drawing me closer and closr all the time and here I am, it pulled me in and I didn't have the strength to stop it. I don't desrve to be here when there are so many others that could take up my wasted space on this planet and lead a far more productiv life than I can. I just want it all to end but I don't deserve for all this pain to nd. I really don't. I am withdrawing more and mor within myself and that's probably a good thing because then I probably stop inflicting anymore pain on the others that I love in my life. None of them deserve any of this from me, intentional or not. well, it's never intntional but it barely seems to matter anymore. I inevitably end up here. This is the first time in a long time that I've gotten to the point of being suicidal again. And when I get that way, I don't want help out, I don't want to tell my family, my T or my pdoc and I don't want to call a crisis line. I just need all this pain to stop because it is unbearable to me but as I said, I know I deserve every minute of it because of what I do to others. I believe that you are where you are supposed to be in life at all times; therefore this is where God chooses me to be. H e also says that He will never give us more than we can handle, but He's wr ong. I can't handle this. I also believe that their is a urpose to everyone's life but what could possibly be the purpose of mine, to screw up everybody else's? I don't think that is of God. I feel so abandoned by God. He always allows me to find my way here. It's a place I know so well but I haven't been this bad in a couple of years. I'm just so tired of everything. If I can't find happiness that has eluded me my entire life, then I have to ask, what is the point? I've come to the conclusion that there is no longer any point. If I keep returning to this ugly place, there must be a reason. I think that reason is to finally end the pain, mine and those I inflict it on. What other possible reason could there be? I'm so sorry that I've had such a negative effect on people in my life. I'm so very very sorry. My angel wings have been clipped, my halo taken away and I'm left only a mere shell of what I once used to be. There's nothing left to me except for the pain. I have to save everybody from all that I am left with. I can't cause anymore pain. To me that's th worst thing I can do. I hope someday that they will know it's not me but my disorder that does it coupled with my extreme lack of self-esteem. Maybe then and only then, they will understand that it was not a deliberat act on my part. But I can't continue like this. I'm sooooo very, very tired, I don't want to fight anymore. I don't have the energy left to do it and I can't undo the damage that I've caused the people I love. I wish I could. I really wish I could. I'm sorry for inflicting my pain on anyone of you who are reading these posts from me. There is no one who is at fault for my pain, the blame lies only with me and me alone.