The session began, of course, with me not wanting to say anything. Believe me, I had a lot of stuff prepared-- but I wasn't exactly giving out free information. T decided to say, "How are the Flyers doing?" He knows I'm a big hockey fan. I started to tell him about hockey and then said to him, "Wait a minute-- you are a hockey fan, too. C'mon tell me. It's not like it's gonna blow the therapeutic relationship apart if you disclose about your sports preferences." So T started to tell me about the sports he liked and then he found out that when I lived in NY, I was an Islander fan-- and he told me that out of all sports the Islanders are the one team he absolutely despises-- so we were laughing about that. It was nice just to talk to him like that. We laughed a lot.

He gave me a Jack Kerouac book that I don't have, one French film, and one Italian film (with English subtitles) to keep. He said that he felt all of these things related to me and he was really interested to see what I would take from them.

He said the most amazing thing-- I had told me something in which I was sort of generalizing myself to his other patients. He said, "Do you think I have other patients like you?" I told him, "I don't know-- it depends in what sense, I guess." T replied, "I have never met anyone like you before."

Then the difficult stuff started.

I told him that because of the connection that we have, the way that he has seen all aspects of me in my most raw forms (and accepted them), and the way that he just knows me and *gets* me in a way that no one else ever has-- leads me to feel love for him. I told him this was separate from little girl love or sexual feelings-- that it was real, genuine love. I also confessed that I often worry that I don't know what love is, but if I was to know, then I think that I feel love for him.

In response, T told me that he is scared to use the word 'love' in describing his feelings towards me. He states this is because the one time he used it before, I kind of freaked out, and since I don't completely understand what love from him encompasses, it could be a dangerous term for me right now. Instead, he told me, "I have very strong feelings for you. I am concerned about you, I care about you, and I think about you outside of session."

I expressed concern that me telling him that I love him would be too much-- that it would drive him away or make him afraid of me.

I began to tell him some really difficult things about my relationship with my husband. I expressed some anger and hurt in regards to my father, which I had never done before. I had never seen T so empathic. He told me, "I'm sorry, I am getting so sad now." His eyes looked a bit glassy.

I began to cry. And I blew all my rules. The no tissue rule, the no tears rolling down the cheeks rule, the no snot rule. I was crying. I did try to keep it graceful, though.

T said, "Here-- put out your hand." I extended my hand to him, thinking he was going to put the EMDR button thingies in it or something. Instead, he reached out and held my hand. Softly he said to me, "Just feel my hand. I don't seem scared of you like this, do I?"

I expected him to pull away quickly. Instead he continued to hold my hand as I began to cry more. He told me, "Go ahead. Just let it go." I let the tears go as T and I just held hands. Then he said to me, "Nothing is right. Nothing is wrong. It is just the way you are." There was nothing in the world more perfect that that. Nothing.

When I let go of his hand, I was sort of in a trance. I couldn't believe it had happened like that. I never thought physical contact was possible. Even though I wasn't holding his hand anymore, I felt like I was.

It was already a half hour past the end of the session. T wanted me to process the feeling of holding his hand through EMDR so that I could feel that even when he isn't around. He took out his EMDR thingy and then held my hand again so that I would have another chance to experience what that felt like before we did the EMDR.

After a short EMDR thing, I said to him that I had to tell him something. With tears still streaming down my cheeks, I told him, "You said that nothing is right; nothing is wrong; this is just the way that I am-- I needed to hear that more than anything in the world. Thank you so much." And we just looked into each others' eyes for a few seconds.

I will see him again on Tuesday.