T yesterday. Went back and sat down. I said I'd survived Christmas. T: "Apparently! Or at least your body did." He asked if I'd felt particularly stressed about it, because he hadn't gotten that sense from me. I said I'm always stressed about the holidays--family stuff, expectations, etc.--and that H had also said I'd seemed particularly stressed this year. But that I didn't think I'd been any more stressed than previous years.

I noticed a bit of pink on his socks and looked closer--they were cat socks! With big sort of drawn cat faces on them (think they were new). Me: "I just noticed your cat socks!" T smiled but seemed oddly self-conscious and adjusted his socks and bottom of his pant legs.

I said I'd actually stayed an hour later than H and D at both my in-laws' (Christmas Eve) and my parents' (Christmas). Which is unlike me (particularly the in-laws!) but I was doing fine and being social. T said it was good. Me: "And I wasn't even drunk or anything!"

I said H had later asked his sister how I did, and he reported to me that she'd said I did well, was most social she'd seen me in a long time. I told T I'd shared that with a friend, and she thought it was rather "infantilizing" that H had done that. I said at first I'd felt OK with it, but the more I thought about it, it's not like I would ever ask the same about H. T: "Does H's sister know you have anxiety issues?" Me: "Yes, his whole family pretty much does." T: "OK. I imagine you'd be less likely to ask about him because he doesn't have the anxiety." Me: "Good point. Though I don't think it's so much just that he asked, but that he also told me what she said. He's also done stuff like that with things I wish I *hadn't* known, like shortly after I had D, telling me how his mom thought I didn't seem happy enough to be a mom." T: "Ugh, that's not helpful." Me: "Yeah, especially since I was dealing with postpartum depression."

I told T something else with H from that morning, where he had assumed I was apologizing for something with D, when I wasn't, I was just commenting on it. And H got angry/irritable like he often does when I apologize. (And I clarified that I wasn't apologizing). And said that's kept happening lately, that I've gotten better with not apologizing, yet H reacts as though I'm apologizing. Me: "So how can I really improve if he's still reacting that way, if he doesn't recognize it?"

T: "I want to ask you a question, but I'm a bit hesitant. I'm concerned that this could be something you end up overthinking, but I'm really just wondering." Me: "OK...does it involve you?" T: "No, it's not about me." Me: "OK." T: "I just feel like I should preface it with all these caveats, in case you misunderstand my intention in asking." Me: "Well, we have most of session, that would be plenty of time to clarify if I misunderstood. So, go ahead." T: "OK. Have you ever considered that H could be on the autism spectrum?"

I wasn't expecting that and was quiet for a minute. Me: "Hm...I don't know. I mean, he's diagnosed with ADHD. So he has some issues from that." T: "Yes, but some of what I'm thinking from what you said wouldn't really be part of ADHD. Like the thing about his telling you what his sister and mother said. Most people would realize that they shouldn't do that. There are probably like 50,000 social rules, and most can't really be taught, but people just learn things naturally, by observing. While someone with autism would struggle with that. They might have to be told what's appropriate in a social situation."

Me: "Hm...OK." T: "And people on the spectrum tend to have difficulty reading others' emotions. You've said before that he doesn't seem to realize when you're upset or stressed or to know how to handle it." Me: "Yeah...but I guess part of me thought, I'm so emotionally attuned to people, that I'm probably overobservant, reading signals that aren't there. Like I'm way on the far end of that particular spectrum--not the autism one, but I guess emotional intelligence. So for me, I'm not really clear what's 'normal' and think I expect too much of others." T: "We've discussed some of that before, where it's hard to know how other people's minds work, and how yours has so many thoughts at one time." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "But this makes me think of--I think I told you about this. How in an early ex-MC session, I was saying I didn't feel enough empathy from H. And ex-MC was like, 'I'm not saying this is the case, but say he isn't able to have empathy. You can't get all your needs met by one person.' And that bothered me because for me, empathy is important in a relationship. Ex-T was really bothered that he said that, too." T: "I agree that empathy is very important." Me: "Especially in a partner." T: "I'm surprised he suggested that was OK." Me: "Yeah."

I said how H also didn't seem to get the signal if I didn't want to talk. Like, if I was in the middle of work and didn't look up from my screen when he walked by, he'd just start talking. And keep talking. And wouldn't seem to get a signal that it wasn't a good time. T: "That could also be due to impulsivity from the ADHD." Me: "OK. Or like the other night, we were trying to watch Top Chef, and he just like wouldn't stop talking! And I wanted to watch the show. Though I suppose that's kind of a common thing in a marriage." T: "Impulsivity can also be what leads to people talking constantly during a movie, like, 'what just happened? Who's that?'" Me: "Well, I do that sometimes..."

T said he wanted to clarify that he hasn't been seeing H as a client, he only knows what I share with him. And also that he hasn't been thinking for the past year, "Oh, your H is definitely on the spectrum." It's just something that's come into his head from some things I've shared, with his having difficulty reading some social cues or empathizing. And also, with D, the fact that, since I've told him how much his yelling at her bothers me and why he shouldn't do that, he's generally stopped doing that. How often people on the spectrum need to be told something like that, instead of realizing it themselves. And then once they're told, they change their behavior. Like H did. And really, he shouldn't have needed to be told not to act that way toward D.

T said he hoped it didn't bother or upset me that he'd suggested this. I said it's something I had to give more thought to for sure. How maybe H is like at the most high-functioning end of the spectrum, or possibly has some traits from it without being fully on spectrum, if that's possible, like how T had said maybe I have some borderline traits but am not actually borderline. I said it actually would make me feel better in a way to know that it's, say, something from autism or ADHD leading to some of this. Because then...it's not me. It's not that he's choosing not to empathize with me, he just doesn't really understand.

T: "I think you got angry at me when I shared this in the past, but maybe I'm mistaken. But if someone does something to upset you or isn't there in the way you need, the first thing to consider is ignorance. That they just don't know or understand. The second is self-centeredness, that maybe it's more about them. The third thing you should consider, after those, is that it could be deliberate, but that's the last thing to think of. The first two are more likely." Me: "So in other words, it's usually more about the other person not about me." T: "Correct." Me: "I could see where maybe I would have gotten mad at you if you'd told me that about a particular incident, like a fight with H."

I forget how we shifted to this topic. I mentioned having a few really explicit sexual dreams the past few weeks about strangers. T asked how things were sexually in my marriage. Me: "I think we last had sex...uh...3 weeks ago maybe?" T: "Is that typical for you? Like once a month?" Me: "Yeah, I mean, it depends, sometimes once a week for a couple weeks, then might go 2 months." T: "Are you happy with that?" Me: "I don't know... I mean, I feel we should be intimate more often. And it's not like I lack sexual desire. Like I...you know, take care of things myself sometimes." T: "How often is that?" Me: "Maybe 2 or 3 times a week." T: "Do you think that takes away from things with H?" Me: "I don't know, I mean, it's often middle of the day. Or it seems like, I don't know, too much effort with H, like D has to be asleep (she has a lot of sleeping issues), the conditions have to be perfect..." He asked if we used to be more frequent, and I said yes, probably a few times a week before we got married and also a bit more frequent than now before we had D.

T asked if H seemed happy with this frequency. Me: "I don't know. I doubt it. The thing is, he won't say anything because he doesn't want to pressure me. Like we talked about it in marriage counseling before, which was horribly awkward with ex-MC. So I don't know if he'd be honest about what he's really feeling. Plus he never initiates because I think he doesn't want to pressure me. So it's all on me." T: "That's a lot of pressure." Me: "Yeah." T suggested we have a talk about it, what we both want. Me: "I just worry he won't be honest." T: "Then that's on him." Me: "Yeah, I guess."

Trigger below is just for potentially graphic sexual language:


We were almost at the hour. T: "Is it OK if we schedule?" Me: "Sure." Confirmed Sunday, he said he'd left slot for me at usual time Thursday, so I took that. Me: "So, I may want to consider spacing out sessions a bit more eventually. But I think I want to keep it twice weekly through January. I mean, unless you're out of town for a week or something." T: "January? No, I'm not going out of town." Me: "OK, good. It's also my birthday month." T: "Next month?" Me: "Yeah, the last day." T: " How old will you be?" Me (in a sad voice): "42..." T (kinda teasing me): "You're all...'oh...42.'" Me: "Yeah, though I guess once I've hit 40 doesn't really matter the year." T seemed amused by that (he's 48).

Paid, shook hands as he said "Have a good few days." Me: "You too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."