I'm sorry you are feeling so... "defeated"? Is that an accurate descriptor? You know... I'm not a nice person in real life. I am married & have been for many years. But otherwise I'm pretty-much an entirely reclusive angry old goat. And, to a large extent, I even keep my wife at arms length. (It's a long story. I'll spare you the details.) If anyone really knew me, they wouldn't want anything to do with me. Hell... I don't even want anything to do with me. But I don't have a choice. Yet I think most members, here on PC, would say I seem to be a kind compassionate member.

You wrote that you came back here to PC to try to develop into a kinder person so people would like you more. I guess what I want to suggest to you is that, based on my own experience, you can do that. I myself could very easily have become an internet troll. (I still could be.) But a lady I came to know on YouTube taught me how to be a good person on-line. She didn't know she was doing it. She didn't do it intentionally. But she did it. So perhaps if you can find another member here on PC whose postings you feel good about, & model what they do, you can become the PC member you'd like to be. And the skills you develop here on PC can gradually carry over into real life. I don't know what has brought you to this place where you hate yourself so much. But I do believe, again based on my own experience, there is a pathway to the kinder person you want to be. And I send hugs your way with the hope that you might find your way to it.