I'm sorry you're struggling, Darkness.

So...a note about compassion and kindness (and also piggybacking a bit off of what Skeezyks said) : it's an interesting concept when I really think about it. I find myself beating myself up for not being as compassionate as I could be. I used to post a lot of support here, under my previous user name, but now that I'm KnitChick, something just changed. I more often post about my own struggles or random stuff on the social board (or just spend more time IRL). I feel guilty for not helping out as much anymore. I don't volunteer in my real life anymore. I see these positive and light hearted stories on the news. Like "man dresses up as santa and gives toys out to needy children." That was a real story on my news and I was fascinated, and inspired. But also, I don't do that stuff. I have been thinking a lot about compassion lately and whether it's more of an innate and natural thing for some people, but maybe not for others. I tend to put myself in the others category, to be honest. To me, since kindness is a value of mine though, I am also coming to learn that being compassionate with others does NOT always feel good. And when you think about it, maybe it shouldn't. After all, the meaning of compassion is to suffer with the one suffering. Most of us don't like going out of our comfort zones. And I'd argue that most of us are not as compassionate as we think we are, want to be, etc. I mean in the world and in society in general.

Don't be nice / kind, etc, just so people will like you. I think if you want people to like you...maybe start liking yourself as you are. It sounds like you may be struggling with self esteem and depression. I used to experience the thoughts you are describing when depressed. A LOT. I couldn't shake the feeling that no one would care if I died, and that no one really cared about me or liked me. The things in my real life, only mirrored my thoughts. I'd go on Facebook, and no one cared. I'd try to talk to my mother, who is naturally not good at helping me through that kind of stuff, (it was what I knew), but it made me feel worse.

I honestly believe that love is a verb. An action. Not just a feeling we get from others. But a form of caring and tending to ourselves and others. (And it's not always the thing we may want to do. It can be hard. It's a choice, sometimes a logical one, instead of emotional). Just like brushing your teeth keeps them clean and healthy, showing yourself kindness each day sows the seeds of confidence. For me, it started with becoming the change I wanted to see in my world. Maybe that was why I used to help here so much. I don't think it's wrong to want others to love you and to find happiness in other people. We are, after all, social creatures and we depend on connection for health and sometimes evens survival.

In terms of how you can tend to yourself...well, I don't have an answer specifically for you. I think keeping an open mind to ideas that seem strange, foreign, and unnatural is part of it though.