I suppose I always knew there was more than one me. Heck, I gave us names - I thought jokingly - in college. I'm now 48. But when I finally got myself to a trauma specialist in July instead of another one of a long series of regular therapists who diagnosed me with all kinds of things, we soon began to realize what was really going on.

I don't like this diagnosis. It makes me feel crazy in a way major depression or bipolar disorder or PTSD or anxiety disorder or ADHD never did.

Yet I know, finally, it's correct.

Before we diagnosed or I even knew what my therapist suspected, he asked me to imagine a room and invite all parts of myself to it. Three people came and it was easy. However, when I realized this wasn't just an exercise and those identities were real, they wouldn't come anymore.

Yet, for awhile I would still hear them talk to me, and I started to recognize some of their voices.

The holidays are pretty triggering to me, though, and for the last couple of weeks I have been in a fog. I don't know who's in charge. Often I think no one is in charge and my brain is a big, blank space.

This is a problem, because the one who is excellent at my job is NOT in charge or anywhere nearby. I need her back. Whoever's around lately can do my job, but they're not great at it. I need my expert.

But I don't hear any other voices and the inside of my brain is a fog.

So before I start asking how to get to know my system and get it to cooperate ... have any of you ever been able to call up someone specific? Specifically if you don't know anything about them...even their name?

Do I have to clear our this murkiness to find her?

By the way, I'm Bonnie. Nice to meet you.