Fred was wrong with
His transference theory.
He was completely wrong.
His dad walloped him
As a youngster too.
I was scared, of their
Authority but as I
Got older I was
Just angry that they
Were so selfish.
Parents normally give
Up something for
Their kids but mine
Made me feel guilty
For being born.
My ol' dear would tell
Anyone who would listen
Never have kids
If you get the option.
Especially girls even
When I was there.
The only reason girls
Are apparently more difficult
Is because they are
More vulnerable. A guy
Can walk away
From a pregnancy
Take no responsibility.
Boys have more freedom
That's just how
The world operates.
My grand parents
Knew I was a good kid.
I would go as far to
Say my Grandad was
Proud of me or
Hopeful that I would
Graduate and get
A real job or career.
My Grandfather was
Orphaned at a young age
And everyone who knew
Him, knew he thought
The world of his
Four grandchildren.
And I let him down.
He always asked
About my love life
As an affectionate joke.
They never needed
To ask if I was behaving.
I used a karate kick
Back at David once
And he felt it.
I hated the effect it had.
Made me feel that
It was me who over
Stepped the line.
David was tough on
Paul as well as me.
They were far too strict,
But David explained
About his up bringing
Not having good football
Shoes so he would
Rather not play than
Be made fun of.
He was candid and truthful.
Unlike my father
All he did was lie.
Why was I half way
Through primary when
He reared his head?
Did it take him seven
Years to get over
The fact that he
Never came to see
Me being born
Because I was not
A boy liked he hoped for?
He was not working
And had nothing
Else better to do
Than up root my life?
If he had moved on,
He never would have
Bothered with me.
If he were wounded
In war then he would
Have been a veteran.
But his own comrades
Shattered his leg
And since he was
Up for promotion
It was no accident
Playing football, it
Was planned or pre-meditated.
It's a sad story. Sadder
Because he wanted
Stay in the army.
His depression affected
My life too. He never
Paid child maintenance
So put strain on
My ol'mum and David aswell.
By doing nothing
He affected everything.
I had to suffer because
He paid no maintenance.
He just smoked, and
Moped around feeling
Sorry for himself.
My lunch money
Was limited because
It was my fathers fault.
Boys need more.
But I think it more
My ol'dears other quip:
Ask your father
For the money.
Which was cruel
To do to a youngster.
I was your daughter
And I would pay
The price for it. For you.
Doing nothing. No money.
My father was more
Self centred than
David and my ol'dear
When it all boils
Down to it. They
Would be ok with
Any way I earned a living
As long as I was
Healthy and sort of happy.
But not my father.
He never expressed
Any remorse over
Not being able to
Support his only kid.
I am a living breathing
Entity that needed
Food, clothes and somewhere
Warm and safe. I spent
My youth feeling numb,
Unloved, quite lonely and
Wondering why I did
Things for others and
Never receiving much
In return. What can
I do to receive a bit
Of love and peace
With no conditions attached?