last night i couldnt sleep very well... and then when i was falling asleep, i heard a disturbing sound, like a voice. i couldnt understand what it said.... and i tried to convice myself it was my imagination... i wont allow myself to believe i heard "voices"!
i was so scared, that i couldnt fall asleep after hearing (or imagining ) the sound. the only thing that seemed to comfort me was remembering an incident of sexual abuse that occured when i was about 6. i layed there and fantasized it, trying to re-experience every part that i could remember... cuz at the end of the incidents, they became a blur, cuz i would either pass out or detach completely.
and that helped me to fall asleep.
but i feel so disqusted.... with myself.
so disgusted at myself that so much physical and emotional pain could be so comforting....