T yesterday. The classical music was really loud in the waiting room, so when he retrieved me I said they had the music turned up to 11 today. He went to fix it while I went back and sat down. He came back, we discussed what might have happened with the music (maybe one of other practitioners). Then he said, "Hello." Me: "Hello." We ended up discussing football and other sports for a bit as I internally debated whether to tell him about a dream I'd had involving him the night before that was somewhat intimate. But seeing him and talking made me feel nervous about sharing it.

I said I was considering what to talk about. He asked if I felt we were done with our discussion last session about H. Me: "About the possible autism or sex stuff?" T: "The first one." Me: "No I don't think we're done talking about it." T: "I actually expected to get an email from you after session." Me: "I thought about it, then figured I'd be seeing you today, so I didn't." T smiled. Me: "See? Progress!" T agreed.

I talked about a date night Friday where I felt like I was being oddly quiet and like I was trying to analyze H. And that I'd looked up info online and tried taking a few quizzes on his behalf, but wasn't sure how to answer parts. T: "That's exactly what I was afraid you would do." (I wanted to be like, "So why did you suggest that to me?" but resisted.) I said how in one quiz, an awful lot of the stuff seemed to apply to me. So then yesterday I found this post on women with Asperger's, listing some common traits, and an excessive number of them applied to me, so went down a bit of a rabbit hole." T: "LT, you're not on the spectrum." Me: "Yeah, my friend said the same. And that the list was BS." T: "She's right."

Me: "OK that makes me feel better. She also asked me why it would matter if I was." T: "I'm not sure how I feel about that question." Me: "What do you mean? I just said I thought it would help explain me more. She asked that about H, too." T: "Well, I tend to feel that the more information you have, the better. Like they say, knowledge is power." I said I did see why she asked me the question, like what was I trying to get out of it. And he seemed to understand more.

I said how one thing the quizzes ask about is stuff related to sensory processing disorder. And that I'd realized I had some of that when I was researching stuff about D. How I'm really sensitive to bright lights, certain sounds, certain food textures (part of why I'm a vegetarian), and certain smells. Me: "Like the smell of fish really bothers me. Or frying butter, like if H is making pancakes. If I smell that, it makes me feel really sick and get anxious." T: "Frying butter--I've never heard that one before!" Me: "Oh great..." T: "Yep, that's a new one. I've heard cooking grease." Me: "Well, you've learned something today!"

I said something else that came up in there is executive function issues. I mentioned a few things, like trouble paying bills on time, not being able to get organized or keep house clean, etc. T said that could just be an effect of anxiety, having trouble focusing. I said maybe, but it seemed like so many things I ticked off. I have lots of trouble filling out forms, always afraid I'll mess up (T said could be fear of people being mad at me). And how I can try different methods, like making lists, putting alerts on my calendar, etc. But none of those things work. I forget if it was those examples or something else I said. But then T said: "OK, that's not anxiety, that's executive functioning stuff." Me: "Like an executive functioning disorder?" T: "'Disorder' seems like such a sad word." Me: "Uh, OK, executive functioning issues?"

We talked about how many people have trouble with those things. And how my mom made it seem like there was something terribly wrong with people like that, such as my aunt, who could never pay bills on time. I said it made me feel like there was something horribly wrong with me that I couldn't seem to do things like that, to get organized.

H came up again, and I said I didn't really know how I could figure it out. T was saying that he can generally tell within a half hour of talking to someone if they're on the spectrum. I said I wished we could come up with some excuse to have H come in for a session with me, and then T could kind of evaluate him while he's talking. Me: "But...I guess that would be kind of unethical, like no informed consent." T agreed that it's not the best way to handle it. He said if we were in marriage counseling again, could be a place to address it. He said he supposed I could possibly ask ex-MC what he thought. I said he was likely to dismiss it, how he also met our D at one point (full session) and didn't think she was. T: "Yeah, and he doesn't tend to like putting labels on things either."

I agreed and said how once I'd gotten upset with ex-MC because we were talking about, I think, whether D might have ADHD in addition to autism. And ex-MC had said generally people don't have multiple diagnoses, that one thing explains it. And I had said, "So are you saying someone can't have OCD, generalized anxiety, and recurrent major depressive disorder?" (referring to my diagnoses). I forget what he'd said. But yesterday T said how he completely disagreed with that, how in the DSM V, under each diagnosis, there's a section on comorbidities (conditions that tend to occur along with that condition). Note: I do not plan to ask ex-MC if he thinks H could be on the spectrum.

I forget how we ended up on this topic--maybe because of New Year's?--but talked about changes I wanted to make. And I brought up drinking again. Talked some about how to set attainable goals, breaking them down into smaller parts. He gave example of, you wouldn't want to just say "I'm going to eat healthier" because it's too broad. But to start with little things like "I'm going to stop eating candy." Or "I'm going to eat two cups of vegetables a day." He said that I should make the goals like what they have on an IEP (individualized education plan, which my D has for school), where it says "75-80% of the time, the child will meet x goal." I said that was a good way to think about it. That I shouldn't expect to meet goal all the time because then I'm kinda setting myself up for failure. He agreed.

Talked a bit more specifically about numbers, way I could set goals, some of which we've discussed before, but helps to discuss again. He asked reasons why I wanted to cut back, and I said health and also to set better example for D. And also financial. And that I'd lose a bit of weight, so we were discussing how many calories are in beer. He said it also has no nutritional value. I said I think Guinness has iron. T: "Is that the dark one?" I kinda laughed (since it's pretty popular) and said, "Yes. H drinks it but I don't like it." I also was talking about calories in, say, a double IPA, and he looked puzzled and was like, "What's that? An IPA in a big glass?" I said no, just one (India pale ale, hoppy beer) that's higher alcohol, like 8% (compared with, say, Miller lite at 4.5%).

At the end of that conversation, I joked, "Hey, maybe I could take up crack to stop drinking!" T: "Well, it doesn't have any calories!" I like that we can joke about things like that. I said maybe I could think about the goals thing over the next few days and discuss more Thursday.

Was time to stop. Confirmed Thursday, T looked at his phone and said, "We're back to a regular schedule next week!" Schedule the following Monday/Thursday. He was asking about New Year's plans as I went over to pay, mentioned going out with the same couple we've seen past few years, that it would be fairly low-key. T: "So probably no bail bonds needed?" Me: "No, I don't think so!" Paid, shook hands as he said, "Have a good New Year's Eve." Me: "You too." (no "take care" this time).