I'm feeling very conflicted about my grandmother coming to live with my husband, my kids, and me. We are building a new house and when it is completed she may come live with us because she is getting along in years (she will be 88 this year). My mom decided it would be "good" for us. I don't really mind, neither does my husband, and I love my grandmother, but I feel as if it isn't the best option for any of us.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple weeks since this came up and I don't know if I can take on someone else to care for. I always have felt that I have a responsibility to take care of everyone and everything and if I don't do it then no one else will. I take care of my family, friends, and home first and myself last and, since I had kids, I don't have time to take care of myself at all except take my meds.

I'm not sure what to do. By taking in my grandmother I am committing to a long term job of caring for a declining loved one on top of taking care of my husband, children, home, and in a lesser degree, but still prominent in my life, my other family and my friends. I am also aware that I may not always be able to take care of her if I begin to have trouble controlling my moods again. If I don't take her in I believe others will feel I have failed her and them and that I am selfish.

The question then is it selfish to want a little time for me? I am bipolar and OCD and I really want some time to work on myself, to go to therapy as my psychiatrist keeps suggesting and to do something I enjoy for just a few minutes everyday that makes me happy and gives me a feeling of fulfillment and doesn't have anything to do with meeting another person's needs. I have spent the better part of my life pleasing everyone else, pretending I'm okay when I'm not, and just trying to get through the day under the horrible weight of depression. When things were at their worst and I needed a caregiver no one was there to help me and I was still responsible for the happiness and health of others. I feel not only let down by this, but also it adds to my certainty that if I am not the caregiver then no one else will be.

Am I wrong to want my grandma's care to be someone else's responsibility? It isn't like there aren't other options. She has 3 surviving children, 13 grandchildren (by the way I'm the youngest), and 26 great grandchildren (3 of whom are adults and 1 who is older than I am and just had the first great great grandchild). I want to say that no I’m not selfish that I deserve to have a little something for myself and my health, but then I think that by having a little something for myself and my health is selfish because it may interfere with someone else’s happiness and why should I get to be happy when someone else isn’t. Sorry for venting, but I didn’t know where else to go. What do I do?????