I am feeling drepressed now that the holidays are over. This is a first. I saw my ex with her “boyfriend” getting along as more like a family together. I have never seen her so relaxed and happy before. I have been wondering what it would of been like if we would have stayed together. Could this have happened to us if we were still together? Much of the time they watch TV together. They talk. She laughs. She smiles.

This is a very nice change in her. A caterpillar has now become the butterfly. It took her twenty years to get to this point from a very abusive relationship with her own ex husband before she met me. I am happy to see this is happening to her. However, I now feel as an outsider, a person with no “family” to be a part of. Sure I was there for Xmas and New Years days. But it is not the same. For that matter, my daughter spent those days with her boyfriend’s family. She no longer spends time with her mother or I.

Both my daughter and her mother have made families of their own to be with. I am feeling like a “fifth wheel”. I have not done the same for myself. I guess times have changed allot for me. The holidays have made this very apparent to me. I feel I want to go backwards in time. But what did not work out back then would still not of worked out now.

I have been feeling very lonely and depressed. I have not realized this until now. How long has this been going on before I have realized this? I have never felt quite this way before except maybe for one or two other fleeting periods of times in the past during the holidays. Still, I have never felt it this way as strongly as I do now, even after the holidays are over with. I just do not know what to do about this.

My house is a terrible mess. I have accomplished nothing today, other than make allot of coffee for myself. I then realize that I have been spending allot of money using gourmet coffee grinds, money that I do not actually have to spend. I looked at the progress of my electric bill to find that I once again have been using too much electricity, that which I cannot afford to use. Just more money problems with no good answers in sight. Doom and gloom I guess. Doom and gloom. Are there any solutions to this particular episode of depression of mine? I feel so so sad.

I just realized that my awareness of how I have been feeling started with watching this depressing, dark movie on TV. I think I should move on to another movie. It has not been helping that I am finding myself freezing in my own living room, trying to keep from using electricity, that which I need to keep myself warm. The chill I am feeling makes my sense of “aloneness” much more poignant. The lights that are not working in my house does not help either.

Will this time come to pass? I am cold.

PS Now I am watching a movie about some soldiers finding themselves IP after a mission they have returned from, not remembering what had happened to them. The screaming by one of them during the night is now bothering me.