I feel no shame about my psychosis (I remember) or my draggings and injections in isolation rooms. I also feel no shame about being sick to the degree that hospital security was ordered to follow me around for some hours one day. There were surely some pretty bad situations, but the worst I believe are not present in my memory.

I do remember two things that I do feel a little ashamed about. One involved a nurse practitioner at the hospital. I'm ashamed that during extreme mania with mixed features that I created a violent spectacle (leading to the isolation room) that I deserved a psychiatrist instead. I insulted the NP in an extremely horrible way. Everyone in the ward heard and saw my tirade, including the NP. I was even screaming and rolling around the floor. The next day I was transferred to a psychiatrist. I won't go into details.

Another time I was manic and got severely drunk. It was on a business trip many states from home. What happened was dangerous and horrible. I was hospitalized immediately upon my return. My company's money spent on me was wasted. There are some things about that period I don't remember.

I try not to let the past haunt me. That does no good. To make up for it I quit drinking, work harder to use lessons and skills frim therapy, take my meds as I should, be honest with my doctor. I try to stay in the moment and generally do the best I can. I'm not perfect and never will be, but I feel appreciative at how much I've learned and how much I still can learn.