If I were still going to therapy once per week i wouldn't have a chance at continuing the work to the level I need to heal. Because of neglect in infancy/early childhood I can't hold on to anything good for any length of time.

So, twice a week i trudge off to T's. On the first session of the week, it has been five days since I saw him and it often feels like I haven't been there in ages. I have a very had time holding on to his presence in my heart. On the second session I usually am full of stuff I want to share, insights I've made, and feel like there is never enough time to cover everything!.

This week T and I talked about how hard it is for me to hang on to "us." My holding onto the relationship is entwined with my desire to have T hold onto me. This was the gentlest and softest of conversations and I told him that I wished he could hold me and he said he understood that and he said, "Why wouldn't you want to feel special to me?" At that point I melted like a warm snowman. I told him I was afraid that he would think that I wanted to have sex with him. And he said, "Why wouldn't you want to have sex with me? Is there something wrong with me?"


He--ever so gently--let me know that what I was feeling was okay--that there is nothing wrong with having feelings. Sigh.

Now what the heck will I say next week?