Hi,

I was wondering if anyone had any resources (other than The Body Keeps the Score or anything by Pete Walker) about complex trauma symptoms resulting from childhood emotional abuse in the absence of physical or sexual abuse.
When I try to find resources about things like shame/guilt, intense disgust with myself, self-loathing, self-blame, etc., the resources that come up all seem to focus on sexual, or, to a lesser extent, physical abuse.

I was also wondering whether anyone else had similar experiences and reactions.

I feel like I'm a bad person. I feel like I was a bad child. I don't blame myself for my father's abusive behavior, but I blame myself for having been affected by it and for not having handled it better. I feel like I wasn't an innocent victim; I was bad and weak and selfish and should have been stronger.
I feel disgusting and guilty and ashamed of my emotions. I feel "dirty" for wanting to be cared about. I feel unworthy and undeserving of emotional intimacy. I feel like I deserve to be punished and I deserve to hurt myself.
When my therapist asks me to feel compassion for the ten year old girl who was going through that, instead I want to sneer at her in disgust and lash out at her and hurt her.

A lot of this has been coming up lately as I've been exploring this stuff in therapy and remembering how "bad" it was. I'd kind of forgotten/detached from it and I hadn't let myself acknowledge the extent of it or how I'd felt. My therapist said I dissociated from it as a survival mechanism.

The fact that I'm having such intense emotional reactions now (in between periods of numbness/detachment) makes me feel like I'm faking it. I feel like I'm not "allowed" to feel this way because "it wasn't that bad" and I'm being "melodramatic" and just convincing myself to mimic the symptoms of trauma even though I've felt these things for as long as I can remember.

Ludy Bancroft's writing about child custody cases with abusive fathers is unnerving in the accuracy down to the details. It feels like he was writing about my father specifically. My father alleged parental alienation syndrome, and everyone believed my mom had brainwashed me and I was being hysterical and overreacting... the courts made me go back and spend time with my father, and I felt powerless and angry and hurt and no one believed me. I also blame myself for having made things worse for my mother and not having protected my brother more. I blame myself for not having been more calm and rational when trying to convince those involved in the court case. I sometimes wonder if they were right and it wasn't "that bad."