I think what is bothering you the most is the humiliation - back when you wished him happy holidays and he only said "thank you", you probably felt humiliated. Your relationship with him is not genuine love, so it is not a safe place to expose vulnerabilities, to be sincere and "open-hearted". If you cannot deal with repairing your life AND calling it quits with him at once, and with depression too (no, antidepressants aren't addictive - benzo drugs are addictive, so you probably aren't reading authoritative sources online), make a plan to end it one day - later - on your own terms, and get your ducks in a row in the meantime, using the excellent advice about combatting loneliness you have received so far (and, I take it, on your other threads that I have not read). And until you have something else to fill the void, play it as a game with him - do not return his texts for a while, play hard to get, pretend to be much more independent than you really are, and the tables will turn. It is manipulative, but a fair game because he manipulates you. Hint at having other options in terms of men and it will be his jealousy triggered, not yours. All the while, though, prepare your exit and announce it as your decision - this way you won't feel humiliated. And after you announce it, delete his contact info altogether.