Hej,

I don't know where to post (I'm a little lost here) but think that here is the best place for my questions. I need help for my relationship, especially because of me. For several months I've been afraid that my boyfriend will abandon me: it's recurrent. Every day in my head I think to myself « He will abandon you if you're empty » or « He hates you » ; « He is talking to someone else » ; « I don't deserve him » etc. I love him and he loves me, I know! He is very adorable with me and he helps me a lot, but I'm constantly scared. Sometimes I get bad at him, in this way he doesn't go anywhere: I scream, I tell him he doesn't think about me, that I hurt myself... Sometimes he doesn't sleep because of me, I feel like a monster! Every day I am empty and I feel very bad: during these moments of emptiness I get cold, untouchable. An empty shell that feels nothing, n o t h i n g. I need a lot of time (sometimes several hours) to get out of this emptiness. And I don't know how my boyfriend can help me? That's ”new” and surprising for the two of us. We need help, I'll do everything for us!

And now « the others »...
I honestly don't know where to start. Several years ago, I had many friend. When I was thirteen years old everyone liked me lol, it makes me shiver. I played on many platforms, everything was fine. A year later my former ”best friend” blamed me for a lot of things. A. Lot. Of. Things. I was going through some hard time in my life: I saw a psychologist because in middle school I was bullied. I was out of school for a year, by the way. Very difficult time. And this girl destroyed me. « If you don't talk about your problems you don't have problems » ; « you're lying » ; « you don't see a psychologist you're a liar » ; « (she) I don't lie, you don't even care about my problems! / I'm not well, you're very well » etc. She lied a lot, put me down too much... I did some bad things with boys and she never stopped me. I had problems with my ”father”, I hoped to die. She came back a few months later to continue to blame me haha. Now she's not here, fortunately! And now? Now I'm alone with my boyfriend and maybe a friend. This situation suits me, but sometimes I am sad because everyone hates me. I've changed. When I talk to someone, it's either: to crisis and ask for help or to manipulate and get informations from others. Strangers trust me, even if I yelled at them a few weeks before. I don't want friends, I just want information about them and use them one day – not in a good way.
On the other way people scare me. I'm afraid to post on the forums if my boyfriend isn't there, afraid of people in general: « They hate me » ; « They want to hurt me » ; « I disgust them »...

Anyway. I'm really tired. It feels good to write. Thanks.