Hello rmstuckeysr: I see this was your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. I hope you've found being here on PC to be of benefit.

It's been a few days since you posted this. Perhaps the situation has changed since then. I don't know as I have any particularly astute insight into how best to handle this situation in couples therapy. However, reading your post reminded me of this article, from Psych Central's archives:

Marriage Myth: Communication will Solve All Your Problems

You asked if all of the situations you mentioned should be brought up in couples therapy or if you should deal with them with your own therapist & learn to move on. From my perspective, these are not mutually exclusive options. You & your wife may or may not be able to, or want to, deal with all of these issues in couples therapy (as the article above discusses.) However, either way, it would be my perspecitve that you also will need to deal with what occurred individually with your own therapist & you will also need to learn to move on. I don't find it at all unusual that you're experiencing flashbacks regarding things that happened 13 years ago. These are memories that will likely be with you permanently. (I'm 70 years old. And I still grapple with things that occurred 40 or 50 years ago.) The key is to learn ways to allow those difficult memories to arise & fade at their own pace. Here are links to 3 articles that talk about how to let go of past hurts, let go of stuck thoughts, & how to sit with painful emotions:

Learning to Let Go of Past Hurts: 5 Ways to Move On

9 Ways to Let Go of Stuck Thoughts

How to Sit with Painful Emotions

My best wishes to both you & your wife.