Quote:
Originally Posted by Abyssanctum
Hej,
I don't know where to post (I'm a little lost here) but think that here is the best place for my questions. I need help for my relationship, especially because of me. For several months I've been afraid that my boyfriend will abandon me: it's recurrent. Every day in my head I think to myself « He will abandon you if you're empty » or « He hates you » ; « He is talking to someone else » ; « I don't deserve him » etc. I love him and he loves me, I know! He is very adorable with me and he helps me a lot, but I'm constantly scared. Sometimes I get bad at him, in this way he doesn't go anywhere: I scream, I tell him he doesn't think about me, that I hurt myself... Sometimes he doesn't sleep because of me, I feel like a monster! Every day I am empty and I feel very bad: during these moments of emptiness I get cold, untouchable. An empty shell that feels nothing, n o t h i n g. I need a lot of time (sometimes several hours) to get out of this emptiness. And I don't know how my boyfriend can help me? That's ”new” and surprising for the two of us. We need help, I'll do everything for us!
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Are you seeing a doctor or therapist now? Are you on any medication? I cant armchair diagnose you but it sounds like you have some abandonment issues. I do not know what growing up for you was like but I used to have this issue although it was a short lived period of time because I got right into counseling. Like a textbook case it had to do with my father, divorce, inconsistent behavior, him standing me up for visitation, abuse (physical, emotional and *other). My mom went back and forth with him twice so it was a guessing game in my house whether they were going to be getting along an together or my dad was going to be in one of his moods and split. (he had undiagnosed Bipolar {old school manic depression} and abused drugs and alcohol) So I was constantly testing boyfriends. The saving grace was most of the testing was when I was in high school and I met my wonderful husband when I was 18 and we got married when I was 20. It was love at first sight; the kind that makes you want to puke its so sweet and I am very lucky to have been with him for 25 years. But in the very beginning with him even I tested the limits. "what crazy ***** can I do to see if he will leave me?" Short lived but not easy for this man. Then I got into therapy and learned to like myself.
You need therapy and possibly medication and you need to work hard and "do some homework" to gain some personal insight. Your BF probably needs therapy too because you have an unhealthy relationship that he tolerates.