T yesterday. I was really nervous because a few days ago, his wife's post showed up in a Facebook group I'm in (related to kids with special needs). I'd emailed T about seeing the post and said how I hadn't clicked on her profile. His response praised me for my restraint, how he really appreciated that I hadn't clicked on her profile or looked at her past posts in the group. I initially just thanked him for understanding, but then yesterday, I felt this overwhelming guilt because I *had* looked at her past posts in the group. So I'd emailed T admitting that and asking him to please not terminate me. He replied last night saying we could discuss today and "Of course I'm not terminating you." Which made me feel a bit better.

Though I still felt nervous for session. In part because he tends to share what he's feeling about things I say or do--he says to help me understand how other people in my outside life might be reacting to me. So I worried what he'd say about this, even if he wasn't going to terminate. So I had trouble looking at him as he retrieved me and when I first sat down. I thanked him for email reply the night before. T: "I was hoping you'd be able to get some sleep." Me: "Well, I got some but was still awake a lot." T: "I'm sorry."

Me (crying a bit): "I feel almost like I should apologize for my email to you--it probably seemed so pathetic. I just had sort of this meltdown yesterday. Your first email to me, you were just praising me so much for my restraint, and I didn't deserve that. I just got consumed by guilt. You gave me much more credit than I deserved. You thought I was better than I am, and I couldn't deal with that." T: "It's OK, you didn't really do anything wrong."

Me: "But I feel like I did. And that email I sent you, I know it was coming from a very young place. It was like...OK I feel this is an extreme comparison because my parents never did this, but the best way to describe it is:

I know that probably seems like a screwed-up thing to joke about, but I think it helped kinda break the ice and make me feel less scared.

Me: "I guess in a way, it's like something got put right in my lap" (referring to his wife's post). T: "I agree." Me: "But I feel like I should have been able to put it to the side and walk away from it." T: "It would have taken Herculean strength to have done that. I probably would have done the same thing in your position." Me: "OK, thanks, that makes me feel better." T: "And people, including my wife, should realize that nothing they post online is truly private." Me: "Well, this was in a closed group, so not totally public, but yeah I understand what you mean."

Me: "Also I was honest with you that I didn't click on her profile. I'm worried you won't believe that." T: "I believe you." Me: "OK, good. I mean, I don't even know if there would have been anything in there to see, or if she had most set to private." T: "I don't know. I'm not on Facebook." Me: "I know, you've said that. I also worried you wouldn't believe that I got the notification in the group, that I didn't go looking for it. But I checked, and I've been in the group 3 years." T: "I believed your account of what happened." Me: "OK, good."

T: "Just so you know, my wife decided to leave the group." He said he'd just told her that a client had seen a post. I made sure he hadn't said anything identifying about me, and he confirmed he hadn't and wouldn't. I said I was wondering if he would have told her to block me. T: "No, I couldn't do that." Me: "Because it would require revealing my name and that I'm a client?" T: "Exactly." I said I felt kinda bad if his wife had to leave a group she was involved in because of me. He said she told him that she wasn't really that active in the group anymore, so she just opted to leave. That I don't need to worry about it.

I saw we had 20 minutes left and suddenly started sobbing. Me: "So I know you probably have anger or frustration to express to me. I don't want you to do that in the last 5 minutes of session. So, just go ahead and have at me, lay it on me." T: "But I'm not angry with you." Me: "You're not?" T: "No. I have no reason to be. And I think you've beat yourself up enough already." Me: "Yeah...OK, good." He said he wished he hadn't seen what I had, but wasn't angry about it.

Me: "Do you want me to share what I saw?" T: "You don't need to tell me. Most of the posts were older, like from a few years ago, right?" Me: "Yes, so I know, any information might not still apply. And like, if certain diets or supplements were tried, that could have been for multiple reasons, like allergies or something. OK, I guess that gives a suggestion of something I read. I mean, some of it was just things she'd shared from other groups, so no information there. But if you want me to be specific about what I read, I can." T: "Why don't you just see how you feel going forward?" Me: "Like if I think something could be affecting our relationship, then I could share it?" T: "Exactly." Me: "OK."

I did say how I'd been worried before talking about certain possible treatments for my D, worrying he'd think they were kooky or something. Then I saw his wife was in a biomedical treatment group. That if I'd realized they supported that beore, then I'd have felt more comfortable talking about it. T: "Didn't you realize by my comments about it that I was OK with it?" Me: "I guess, eventually. But at first I was concerned. Like this was a case where having a bit of information would have helped me."

T said how some of this is about protecting his son's privacy. I said it's not like I'm going to tell people about his son. T: "Well, you already have." (referencing a few people I talk to from PC nonanonymously). Me: "OK, good point, but the chance of any of those people having anything to do with your son is extremely slim." T: "You never know." Me: "True." T: "I do choose to have his picture on my desk, so clients see that I have a son. And that he's 11. And that he needs glasses." Me: "But he could just be wearing glasses for the look." T: "Well, that would say something about him, too!"

He said whatever is shared in therapy is mine to do what I want with. I could share all kinds of negative things about him, give him a 1-star review on Yelp if I want. Me: "I kinda doubt people trust Yelp for therapy reviews..." He said how he has to hold my confidentiality, but I have no similar obligation to him.

He said again the thing about what I thought about his son felt to me like a connection between us. I said yes. And that I struggle with the therapeutic relationship at times because it's so one-sided, it's unnatural. T agreed that it's not a natural relationship, but said it's important for it to be that way to keep the focus on me and my issues. How, if I know too much about his son, that I'll feel I should ask about him, and that takes the focus off of me.

T: "I'm just going to use a random example. Say, I get migraines." Me: "I do too, I mean, I don't know that you do, you're just using an example." T: "Right, but if I tell you I get migraines, then you might feel obligated to ask how I'm feeling. You're a nice person and if you don't ask, you might worry I'm thinking, 'What a b****, she's not even asking how I'm feeling?'" Me: "But if I get migraines, too, then it might be easier for me to talk about them, knowing you have them." T: "But me talking for 20 minutes about my migraines isn't going to help you. I can talk about yours and support you with that whether I get them or not. I hope you don't end up getting a migraine from this..."

Me: "Me, too. OK, I see. But I know you said before that I can't care about you because I don't really know you. Yet I feel that I can care about you in terms of what I do know of you, of who you are to me." T: "Yes, I agree with that." Me: "OK, good."

We were almost out of time. I started crying again. Pointing to him, then to myself, I said, "So, we're OK, right?" T: "Yes, we're OK." Me: "Good. I think so, too. I was just really worried that I'd messed things up." T: "You didn't." Me: "OK. Thanks for understanding."

Confirmed Monday and Thursday, and went over to pay. Shook hands and he said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too." T: "Take care." Me: "you too."