Hello DanceEngine 7,

I read your posting about your complicated relationship. I am so very sorry that you are struggling with intense depression. I live with depression and I find that there are times when I really benefit from the support of non-judgmental, caring professionals. As for your relationship, I have not been in a situation like that and can only imagine how confusing it must be to become attached to a married person.

May I ask if your depression started before the relationship or after? Please be careful about self-adjusting your medication...even if only a few days here and there as you mentioned...that could still be problematic. I encourage you to always run options like that by your MD and pharmacist first just to be sure that dosage fluctuations don't cause more problems.

How's your physical health DanceEngine? A holistic approach is really helpful. How's your sleep? Nutritious diet? Lots of water every day? Any exercise? Even if it's just a short walk around the block? I find it hard to exercise when my depression is bad but the movement can really help to break the cycle because it helps to release more dopamine (a neurotransmitter which helps with feelings of well-being).

Aside from your on/off relationship, you sound quite isolated. Do I have that right? Maybe you don't have a friend to talk things over with or just watch a silly film with for fun? When you said talking to therapists made you feel worse, do you know why? Were they lacking kindness or insight? Were you really uncomfortable talking about private issues? I have found therapy very helpful with my depression but not all therapists are great. Perhaps it would be worth trying a new one? I can also tell you that some of the most important things I learned about myself in therapy were quite uncomfortable or even unpleasant. But that was the starting point...I was able to slowly work through the discomfort from there.

I think that regardless of how things evolve, whatever the future brings, the best tip I could give you now would be to find ways to strengthen your sense of self. Do you know what I mean by that? Find things for you simply because they make you feel good. Take good and gentle care of your body with healthy foods etc. Maybe you don't feel like eating much when you are depressed...try very hard to eat even something small at regular intervals. And keep the water flowing. Dehydration and malnutrition can cause or exacerbate depression and anxiety. Have you ever tried acupuncture? It really helps with my mood and relaxation. You have been going through a lot of stress and emotional pain...finding even small ways to start decreasing your stress level seems like a good place to start.

Something to think over: is it possible that you became attached to a married person because that felt safer for you somehow...what I mean is maybe you were frightened of a full commitment and still wanted love and affection so you were drawn to a married man because he is unlikely to seek a full commitment from you? Just something to think over. When I am confused about something in my life, I try to look at the underlying 'why.' And there are times when that is hard for us to see on our own which is why maybe finding a new, experienced, and kind therapist could help you find your peace.

Please try to disregard any comments where people are telling you that you should feel bad or guilty or ashamed. Issues related to sex and infidelity seem to really trigger some hurt feelings and hostility. Other people's stories are other people's...they are not relevant to your unique situation. Everyone is on their own path in this life.

You are not the one who broke vows and marital commitment. You are not a married person. The person accountable for his affair and the effect on his wife/children is the husband. If you ask any marriage therapist, they will tell you that by the time an affair occurs (husband or wife) there were already serious problems within the marriage. I'm not suggesting that affairs are a good solution to marriage problems but I do not agree with people blaming you for a husband's infidelity or the breakdown in his marriage. Nor am I suggesting that attachment to a married person is the path to peace. I feel quite sure you already know that.

As for people judging your choice to engage with this man, well they haven't walked 10,000 miles in your shoes. So they can't know what is in your mind or your heart. I have never met a person in pain who actually felt better or found solutions by being shamed. I would like you to feel better!!! Hopeful, peaceful, and excited about your own future! The question is: what would help you to feel that way? I think the more you bring your attention back to you, the stronger you may become, and more able to calmly think through what this affair means for your present and future.

You have my support. I wish you peace and healing energy. Here's a safe from a distance. Take good care of yourself; you deserve happiness.