I don't think there is really a lot I can say about this. Since you don't feel comfortable talking specifics here (not that you should) it's difficult to know what's going on or to make any potentially useful suggestions (if in fact that's even possible.) Ultimately, the best place to deal with something like this is in therapy anyway. (You probably didn't need me to tell you that.)

You wrote, in this post, that you've never heard of anyone else having the fetish you've had since your teens. I myself have had a life-long struggle with my gender identity. And for most of my life, I sincerely believed there couldn't possibly be anyone else in the world who had that problem. (There are still things related to it I can never, & will never, talk about.) It's only been the past... oh... 10 years or so that I have come to realize there are all sorts of people in the world who have gender identity issues!

I think it may have been Plato who supposedly said humankind has not had a new idea since our ancestors walked out of the cave. Everything since then has simply been variations on a theme, so to speak. So while you may feel you are the only person in the world who has ever struggled with the sorts of things you're struggling with, my thinking would be that's likely not the case at all. That doesn't necessarily mean you want to write about it here on PC or bring it up to your friends & family... or perhaps even to a therapist. But perhaps what it may suggest is that you're likely not alone in whatever it is you're struggling with. And, hopefully, there's some comfort in that.