I get what I want less in therapy than any other relationship , and not to give the old Rolling Stones cliche "you get what you need", but I don't think we do always get what we need either. On of my favorite conversations I have had with my T was about the unfillableness in us, and how we try to fill it with other people, or with substances , or sex or work or art or . . . but that it is beauty of us all. That sense of being haunted , pushed by longing and pulled by yearning for something . . . but who knows what exactly? It makes for horrible nights when you dont want to live but two titches to the right it creates a symphony or a poem or a good deed.

One thing in therapy that has comforted me over time is that though I have a very taboo experience within my life that makes me feel so marked and broken , that feeling this way is part of us. I cant really find the right words . It is that holding the feeling up to the light of needing to be reached or wanting to reach someone else and how the failure of that creates an anguish defines what it is to be human. My T and I talked about how real true sociopaths/ psychopaths cannot be hurt in this way.

It is like proof of life to be struggling to swallow pride and stay connected when being told no, I hear you and nope.