Quote:
Originally Posted by LabRat27
Not getting something that I secretly want is usually tolerable
The idea of finally allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for something and then feeling rejected is a million times worse.
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It was unbearable, for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lrad123
This is exactly right. I feel like some secret desires have been gently coaxed out of a very private place and then kicked and squashed. This is why I’m a private person.
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2.5 years after my last T rejected me, and 2 years after that feeling of rejection got connected up with how I felt at some point, after what feels like what may have been many failed attempts to get what I wanted, as a child, that horrible, unbearable feeling has, despite my feeling that I could not bear it -- has been borne and processed -- Finally, it's getting some better. It's not that I'm a victim, it's not that I'm blaming them, but my family did not, could not love me. Just the way it was.
I have a support group IRL with some women who kinda love me, as I kinda love them. My late husband loved me, I loved him, I love the cats who walked into my life 16 years ago and who are now beginning to depart (that is, die). And I've felt very desolate about that.
However, so far as I can tell, I'm not on a short flight path to the final destination, as they are, even though I often wish I was and so. . .
I lived my life in fantasy. Life without love is unbearable. A fantasy that I was loved and/or could become "fixed" by therapy enough to be loved was better than no love at all. I guess. I wasn't conscious of that value decision but seems now like what it was.
Life is still tough, I won't say it isn't.
Letting go. Bearing the pain. . .then letting it go. I got frozen in the past, maybe, and stuck, because the pain was unbearable. Dissociating or whatever it was helped me survive, I guess. But -- life without love is not a good deal anymore. Bearing the pain of disappointment from the past is a way to get that system up and functioning a little again? Not easy. Would be nice to have a therapist or someone to help. But maybe, for me, that's just part of the fantasy again? At any rate, my T didn't.