I very rarely get what I want. If it is an extra session- no. Too full the schedule. If it is a longer session, no. The ceremony of endings is part of the healing. No hugs, no handshakes, no late, no early, no missing or skipping. Within all the no, is a gentleness of someone who doesn't actually like saying no but who is entrusted to keep at bay interpersonal chaos in the longterm by protecting the space in the short term so it is still there ready next time.

After reading more than 200 psychology and psychoanalysis books, textbooks etc during my 3 year stint in therapy, I definitely think that not all working therapists have even close to the theoretical underpinnings needed to treat trauma and dissociation. The most kindred school/ movement for me is Relational Psychoanalytic. I went to meet the writer of a book I loved on that topic, and he was profound in his belief that therapy should be marked by increasing fittedness between therapist and patient , that is attained through moments of meeting but also struggle through enactment. The key is the T sees these as co created and takes responsibility for being more than a neutral figure, a mirror etc. His idea is the T and the client make a world between them, and both live in it. He has no use for CBT for relational trauma or behavioral interventions like exposure therapy or the Blank Slate.

My own T is not relational, but he is very reflective and imaginative. Overtime our relationship has changed, with each of us more fluent in the way the other organizes the experience of the session. We still run into very painful skirmishes usually me wanting something and him saying no, but there's more goodwill on both sides. He trusts me that I am usually levelheaded and give more credence to something upsetting me; I get it better that the strict boundaries are for me as well as him, and that he gives me a gift of attention with no strings or agenda bc of them. I have changed gradually in terms of being more consolidated and less fragmented , and made progress telling the difference between states of dissociation and being for sturdy in staying present.

Next week, there could be an impasse or a catastrophe between us, I know. I am not so much better that I don't cycle through the anguish created by letting someone so close to wounds. However, when I look back at my posts I see progress. When I look at my life, I see progress. So many times, I almost quit and I once started a thread about ghosting my T. I probably will again too. but I notice progress happens after bowing down in some way to not getting what I want and the urge to walk away from the relationship, like I have many times in my real life, like the song by Ben Harper is my theme song. Somehow, I have stayed and not gotten what I want even 1/10th of the time. I guess the 1/10th is enough?