Finally took my decorations off the tree. I have to pack them away still but at least the tree can go out. I was super lazy about it this year. Just didn’t want the holidays to end.
I’m kind of having a difficult time. I feel incredibly useless. Like I need to do something worthwhile with my life.
I used to volunteer at the women’s shelter but my anxiety is too high for that now.
Then there’s the shelter...which I love. But I just can’t follow through on the commitment they need.
For so long I was just mom...constantly needed. Now they are self sufficient and don’t need to be coddled anymore. It’s a strange, humbling, kind of unsettling feeling. Like if I disappeared tomorrow it really wouldn’t be a big deal. Everyone and everything would just continue on without me. As it should obviously but...well you know what I mean. My family would miss me but the rest of the world would remain untouched. In the grand scheme of things I guess were pretty insignificant.
I remember wondering why the world outside of my bubble didn’t stop when my parents died.