Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211
So sorry you are struggling with this Sisabel.
I think you mentioned that you were already "partially estranged" from your daughter...whose choice was that? Mutual? Yours? Hers? What was the reason? I think that is significant while looking at the present state of your relationship.
Have you tried talking to your daughter about this? 1:1 without her hub present. From a calm and non-judgmental place...something like: "I feel uncomfortable with how things are going between us these days. How are you feeling about our relationship? Are there things we can work on together to improve? Do I need to hear some feedback from you? I love you and want you and my grandchild in my life. What sort of role do you want me to play in your life?" (I would not mention the issues with her hub at this point, that may trigger her to feel defensive or shut-down)
If you resent spending money on gifts etc I suggest not doing it for a while. It doesn't sound like money was ever the cause of the relationship problems anyway or did I miss a piece?
Ultimately, if your daughter does not wish to discuss it (I don't know if you already tried) then I feel you have two choices: try to find a middle ground you can tolerate in order to continue some interactions with daughter and g/child or take a step back for a while. From your posts it isn't clear to me if you actually want a better relationship with your daughter because you want to bond with her or if you mainly just want to know your g/child? You already know this but I think, though painful, it is worth pointing out the reality that parents have a right to limit or refuse contact with their baby to anyone they choose...that includes grandparents. Though I am very sorry if that is what you feel is happening.  |
Thank you for the practical feedback. You are right that I need to step back when I feel resentful. My daughter has for years kept her distance from me, physically and emotionally. I have made efforts to talk about it and I have apologized for everything I can think of that I did wrong as a mother. She has made a few efforts to talk over the years but she hasn’t been very direct and open... and the tension has always remained. I’m afraid to say much because she tends to refuse to talk to me for months at a time if I offend her. I’ve given up on having a close relationship with her. It’s been many, many years now. I just try to be kind and positive around her and helpful when I can. I feel like a doormat around her and I just accept that’s how it is but at times I get tired of it. I know I could have and could still do a better job of communicating with her but I hold back for fear of what will happen. I am almost certain money is an issue with her... she has close friends whose parents have been very financially generous whereas I have expected her to work toward becoming independent and providing for herself... She’s never said this but I just sense from her that I haven’t done enough...
At this point I just want to make sure I do the right thing. I don’t want any more regrets. I’m not always sure what exactly the right thing is so I end up just buying more gifts and... basically sucking up to her and her husband. I would like a chance for a good relationship with the baby and will do my best.