Quote:
Originally Posted by Sisabel
Thank you for the practical feedback. You are right that I need to step back when I feel resentful. My daughter has for years kept her distance from me, physically and emotionally. I have made efforts to talk about it and I have apologized for everything I can think of that I did wrong as a mother. She has made a few efforts to talk over the years but she hasn’t been very direct and open... and the tension has always remained. I’m afraid to say much because she tends to refuse to talk to me for months at a time if I offend her. I’ve given up on having a close relationship with her. It’s been many, many years now. I just try to be kind and positive around her and helpful when I can. I feel like a doormat around her and I just accept that’s how it is but at times I get tired of it. I know I could have and could still do a better job of communicating with her but I hold back for fear of what will happen. I am almost certain money is an issue with her... she has close friends whose parents have been very financially generous whereas I have expected her to work toward becoming independent and providing for herself... She’s never said this but I just sense from her that I haven’t done enough...
At this point I just want to make sure I do the right thing. I don’t want any more regrets. I’m not always sure what exactly the right thing is so I end up just buying more gifts and... basically sucking up to her and her husband. I would like a chance for a good relationship with the baby and will do my best.
|
I think it is significant that you said:
I know I could have and could still do a better job of communicating with her but I hold back for fear of what will happen.
How do you feel about therapy? Either with your daughter or on your own. An experienced family therapist may be able to break the tension here with a communication approach which is tolerable to both you and your daughter...to guide you each in slowly opening up. Or at least guide yourself in how to initiate dialogue and respond more effectively. Sometimes I think there's a lot of truth to: it's not what you say but how you say it. The current situation sounds untenable for you, your daughter, and your g/child but of course that is just my perspective.
I wouldn't necessarily assume that she's upset about money. Problems with such a deep connection as a mother-daughter dynamic usually have much more to do with interpersonal conflict, temperament mismatch, and boundary issues rather than tangible items like money and gifts.
By the way, how's the relationship between Papa Bear and your daughter? I know you said he's not a huge fan of your son-in-law but how does your husband get along with your daughter? Is there tension there too? Is he able to help with communication at all?
You said:
"I’m not always sure what exactly the right thing is so I end up just buying more gifts and... basically sucking up to her and her husband."
I wonder what would happen if you said that directly to your daughter...perhaps with a slight tweak such as: "I'm not clear on what you'd like my role in your life to be...do you and your hub perceive me more as an occasional visitor or something else? I want to do the right thing by you both and the baby but I'm not always sure what that is. Can you help me out? What do you folks expect from me?"
I feel for you Sisabel. I live with a complex family dynamic myself. I would try to employ a problem-solving approach wherever possible. You suggested that your daughter has, at times, wanted to communicate with you but was not direct enough....enter therapist!
I wish you peace and positive energy regardless of what you choose.
