Quote:
Originally Posted by NataleeRose
I don't know where to start. My husband and I were looking for a dog together for months. One day, he suddenly decided he would go out and pick his own. She is adorable, so I was fine with it. Long story short, I am NOT permitted to touch this dog. He brought her home and tethered her to him at all times. He trained her. I was never ever allowed to do anything with her. If I DO touch this dog, he must run over immediately and steal all the attention to himself. He feeds, waters, and gives her treats. I am not allowed to do any of these things (I sneak treats). ONLY he is allowed to let her in or out and only he is allowed to have her by his side. I am never allowed to take her anywhere. If I go outside he purposely calls her in to keep her away from me. We have had HUGE blowouts over this. It is singularly the most hurtful thing I have ever gone through living with someone. We are married with no kids, so I'd love to act as a family with our fur babies. I am told I must get my own dog to have this. It comes off as so possessive, controlling and just plain mean. I know his mother, a nurse for over 40 years believes he is on the autism spectrum. I too believe he is based on his behavior. Is this an autism thing, or just a cruelty thing? Are other men this psychotically possessive of their dogs? I dream of camping as a family, going on trips, etc...but to no avail. She does not come with us when I am there. He ONLY brings her when I am not coming. I've cried over this for almost 3 years now. He has made tiny changes. He permits me to touch her nose before whisking her away, but it is still horrible to live with. I LOVE animals, so I never fathomed I would experience having one I am barely allowed near. Help. Any advice or stories similar would give me some peace of mind. When you search google for answers and come up with nothing, you know you have a rarity.
|
Hello NataleeRose. I am sorry you are dealing with such a confusing and jarring issue. Have you consulted with a psychologist? I think a good place to start would be to run the situation by an experienced marriage therapist. They will likely want to delve deeper into your relationship with more questions. Have you ever suggested couples therapy to your husband? If he is not interested, then you can certainly attend therapy alone to gain some comfort, insight, and coping strategies.
I would caution you against assuming your husband is living with autism. His mother is a nurse, yes, but nurses are not qualified to assess or diagnose ASD. I also cannot say whether your husband is intending to be cruel...we can't read his mind, right? Perhaps in his head, he feels that this is his dog and not yours and perceives you as crossing a boundary when you pet his dog. I'm just thinking through both sides here since it sounds as though, aside from the dog issue, you feel connected and committed to your husband ("my best friend".) If I have that right?
At this time, I would discourage you from continuing to try to interact with the dog or giving "secret snacks." I think that will likely be counterproductive. He has made it clear that he doesn't want you to interact with the dog and I fully understand why that is hurtful for you and quite bizarre within a marriage and shared home...but without first having professional counseling on the issue I don't think crossing that line is going to help matters.
All I could say, based on your description, is that your husband is exhibiting a very strong need for control (with regard to the dog, I'm not sure if you said how he functions and behaves in other areas of life) and that is often a reaction to anxiety...someone feels intense inner turmoil so they seek more control over their external environment in order to gain of sense of comfort. A very strong need for control can certainly get out of hand and lead to abuse but there isn't enough information here to break everything down.
This is obviously having a very negative impact on you. I think consulting with a psychologist is the best place to start.
I wish you and your husband peace and healing energy. Take good care of yourself.
*Please note that in my role as PC member, I am offering compassion and support. I am not offering medical consultation, diagnosis, or treatment of any kind. As with the other PC members. Please see disclaimer at bottom of screen