I think it is significant that you said: I know I could have and could still do a better job of communicating with her but I hold back for fear of what will happen.

How do you feel about therapy? Either with your daughter or on your own. An experienced family therapist may be able to break the tension here with a communication approach which is tolerable to both you and your daughter...to guide you each in slowly opening up. Or at least guide yourself in how to initiate dialogue and respond more effectively. Sometimes I think there's a lot of truth to: it's not what you say but how you say it. The current situation sounds untenable for you, your daughter, and your g/child but of course that is just my perspective.


I wouldn't necessarily assume that she's upset about money. Problems with such a deep connection as a mother-daughter dynamic usually have much more to do with interpersonal conflict, temperament mismatch, and boundary issues rather than tangible items like money and gifts.


By the way, how's the relationship between Papa Bear and your daughter? I know you said he's not a huge fan of your son-in-law but how does your husband get along with your daughter? Is there tension there too? Is he able to help with communication at all?


You said: "I’m not always sure what exactly the right thing is so I end up just buying more gifts and... basically sucking up to her and her husband."

I wonder what would happen if you said that directly to your daughter...perhaps with a slight tweak such as: "I'm not clear on what you'd like my role in your life to be...do you and your hub perceive me more as an occasional visitor or something else? I want to do the right thing by you both and the baby but I'm not always sure what that is. Can you help me out? What do you folks expect from me?"


I feel for you Sisabel. I live with a complex family dynamic myself. I would try to employ a problem-solving approach wherever possible. You suggested that your daughter has, at times, wanted to communicate with you but was not direct enough....enter therapist!


I wish you peace and positive energy regardless of what you choose.